Oh the Holidays.

I returned to my apartment at 8:30 last night after 30+ hours straight with my family- and then a brief two hours with some friends at the pub (much needed). As soon as I walked into my own house and curled up on the couch with Puff Cat I felt soo much more relaxed- like I had survived an intense event or something.

I adore my family- I really do. It's just that I require a lot of space to be myself in. I have odd habits that they don't really understand. Such as if I don't go for a walk at least once a day I will literally explode in anger and aggression. It's not so much about the exercise (although I do need it after all the holiday treats and dinners etc.....)- it's just about me needing my own time away. I'm also a time schedule freak---- I eat at certain times of the day, I do things in order. Okay I admit it I'm a bit OCD. In fact after opening presents yesterday I was counting down the hours till I could go organize my house without anyone being around me. Does this make me an introvert?

Okay maybe I should save the self-analyzing till New Year's eve when I make all my crazy resolutions that most of the time I can never keep.

Here are the highlights of Christmas with the family:

1. Baked Stuffed Lobster (see pic above)

2. It's a Wonderful Life- although it took me a little over 24 hours to finally finish it---there's just something about that ending that always gets to me- makes me feel grateful despite my constant bitching.

3. Watching my sister and parents open there presents from me.

4. Watching my dad unwrap a present that he got from himself (a toy that hovers above your hands)--- minutes before my mom handed him the same present that she had been saving to give him as a surprise. You had to be there but I saw the rage flash in my mothers eyes and the look in my fathers face that he had done something wrong way before it all went down. But ohhhh so amusing haha--- Plus I got the extra toy!

5. Beers at the Pub with our friends that we now have a tradition of meeting up with on Christmas.

6. Christmas Eve walking through the woods alone with my parents dog. Snow covered ground and trees- sun shining bright. There was this one moment where I felt good- and I also felt my Maam looking down at me smiling. I often think of her when I'm walking alone somewhere beautiful- I feel like she is walking with me- and Ill just look up under a snow covered tree and whisper a simple I love you- and it makes me feel like I haven't lost her but that she is just there. And I believe she is-- as I believe any loved one is if you can recall them in truly beautiful moments.

7. Returning home to my wonderful cats. Putting in "My so-called life" and eating a chunk of delicious bread before retiring to sleep.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas. I'm sort of happy it's over- like my boyfriend said---now that part of my brain that was spent worrying about gifts and such can be used for something more useful. Cheers!

When light leaves the day to soon

I find myself throwing things. Swearing more- smiling less. I give inanimate objects evil looks and shake my fist at my animals. I want to walk my anger away but i only last 30 mins in the bitter cold and it pisses me off. Just a month or two ago I was hopeful for life. A house soon? Perhaps a family down the road? Now I find I'm just so angry that everything is on delay. I'm angry I lack control. Most of all I'm angry at death for taking people I love away- people that could of helped me out of this hole I'm climbing into.

I know in the back of my mind that this is just me against the lack of light, against the winter months, against the seasonal depression that always kicks in. No amount of Vitamin D seems to strengthen my immunity to it. It just happens- and I need to except it.

I should take up a hobby I'm told. I bought yarn last week and some knitting needles- but I looked up how to do it online and threw the needles and yarn away from me after a minute. Have I mentioned I lack patience also? I think about painting then this voice tells me why bother.

I have to snap out of this before I get to deep I'm well aware. I remind myself of: warm days on Macmahan island, landscaping by the ocean, walks along the beach, ice cream cones melting in my hand, friends that I haven't seen in months. I remind myself to be hopeful for the future- winter doesn't last forever- and there are always things ahead to look forward to.


A poem I wrote this morning:

"Alarmed by the shadow of movement on the wall.
I realized it was just my reflection-
This did not comfort me as it should."

Thanksgiving recap and a little Poem.

Thanksgiving has come and gone- I barely remember it because it was filled with such hectic scheduling and lots of family and food. Spent some time with my family that I haven't seen in months...and then headed up the road an hour to Ellery's familys thanksgiving.
Pie contests at both- I came in second (a triple layer Chocolate Cheesecake beat me out!) with my Pecan/Pumpkin/Cream Cheese Pie. And there was no determined winner at Ellery's.

After all the crazyness with Thanksgiving weekend (including a funeral-more on that later) I declare that I will not get stressed out about Christmas- and have already finished most of my shopping in hopes that I can go down to my parents for Christmas Eve/Day and just enjoy my family (until they drive me insane:))


I leave you with my first attempt at some poetry--My brain works to much when it's just me in the bakery in the morning and I get a ten minute break to eat some oatmeal or a muffin:

An Ode to a Tree Better off left alone~

5:30 Am.

I sit starting through the glass of the bakery window at the White Light decorated Bare Trees outside.
Leaves gone. Color gone. So we replace it with Artificial color.
Does the tree feel better about itself now? Or would it rather be resting? Now maybe it feels like it must put on a show: "Look at Me!" "Look at Me!" it's forced to shout.
When it would rather be quiet and bare for a few months until Spring when buds will appear like tiny flowers all over it's thought to be life-less body.

Baking rantings on an early Sunday Morning

"I'm conjuring, not baking, creating pastry spells for your every ailment. So don't be offended if I still can't offer you a hug or even a smile as a gesture of warmth, but please take this little pastry. It embodies my goodness and kindness, together as one tasty treat"- Confections of a Closet Master Baker

I'm reading the above fabulous book (Confections of a Closet Master Baker) and I'm sort of obsessed. It's actually by Sandra Bullock's sister: Gesine. But don't let that stop you from reading it.....it's really not anything like you would expect. It pretty much reads like my schedule of life every working day- and makes me feel happy to be baker besides the incredible lousy pay and ridiculous hours.

I know I've become obsessed with all things having to do with baking lately---I work 3am-11am elbows deep in cookie dough and pie crust. And then I come home and click through food blog after food blog (my favorite being: joythebaker)----then I go to the library and pick up such things as Cooking Light or Bon Appetit magazine and read recipe after recipe about pies and cakes etc etc etc. I can't stop myself- and then I make such things as Pumpkin bread with cranberries, pecans, and apples in it and watch people eat it seeing the delight in their taste buds.
I wish I could say that I don't think about food constantly but I do---- I think about how to create such things as Peanut Butter Jam thumbprints or Coffee infused Hermit bars and I get this happy rush. How will I ever be able to not be working this type of job? Can I give back my Marine Bio degree and not pay my loans so I can open up a bakery? Oh how wonderful that would be.

Okay so sorry for the rant folks- but its 6:30 am on a Sunday and I have been awake since 5am- thinking about what I'm baking for thanksgiving. I might have an illness. Have a good day all.

Update on Yeast Rolls

I finally found a recipe that seemed about 90% the same as my Maam's yeast rolls. They came out dense and moist and delicious and i wanted to eat about ten just like hers. I'm glad that I didn't have to attempt 20 times before finding something similar. I'm still very nervous about making them- I know that they will never be the same but i want them to be good enough so my family remembers what hers is like.

Yeast Roll attempts 1 and 2

So Last week I attempted my Maam's yeast rolls----and def. failed. The recipe called for lots of butter and eggs--- which I just learned from my mother is not what was in her recipe....Apparently I have discovered that hers had only: shortening, flour, yeast, water, milk, lil sugar and lil salt.

The problem is when I search it online the only freakin thing that comes up is these light airy rolls----I DO NOT want Light and airy---i want dense and moist and melt in your mouth delicious---who wants light and airy??? that's so lame.

Anyway I decided her recipe must be more like a biscuit and less like a roll despite her always calling them rolls.....So today I'm trying this weird recipe I found online that has all the ingredients she used......the dough doesn't seem right but we shall see in an hour if it looks anything like the dough she use to hand off to my sister and I to shape. Seriously I've been kicking my ass everyday for not getting this recipe from her....i don't think I will ever get over it until I make them exactly like she had them. However---my maam was one of the most patient people in the world---if you know me then you know I'm just about the opposite of this... My maam probley took 2-3 hours with these rolls and didn't worry to much about how they were going to come out because she had the magic touch.....ughhhhhhhhhh I really hope these come out today.

In other news- My sister informed me yesterday that she wants a cake just like the one on the movie Matilda in the scene where the little boy has to eat an entire cake in front of the class as punishment.....I found the recipe today---pretty excited to make it----EXCEPT for the fact that her birthday is like 3 days after Thanksgiving. So now I'm making: 2 pies, a cake, and yeast rolls.......that's what you get for being the baker of the family.

R is for RUDE

Warning: This blog may come across as a bit bitter today.

Today I got out of work a bit early and was enjoying some coffee across the road at my favorite coffee shop. As i was reading and sipping I was as usual distracted by people all around me---mainly this set of friends next to me----one of the friends had a 2 year old girl who was playing with her sticker book. The two friends were chatting about something serious to do with another friend getting a head scan for a potential illness----in the middle of the conversation the little girl starts mumbling something about the letter R. The mom then interrupts the important conversation with her friend and starts going off about how smart her daughter is and how she must of spotted the reflection of the freakin letter R in the window- and how this means her daughter is just sooooo smart blah blah blah. Let me tell you something Mom- I doubt your friend wants to hear about the damn letter R and your child genius right now. She is talking about a close friend who is sick- and you interrupt her to talk about how smart your child is???? Come on have a little respect. I mean I get that people have kids, and kids are obviously most important in someones life---but I think sometimes moms get so wrapped up in their kids that they can't even focus for one second on their friends (that were more than likely there for them through the pregnancy etc etc etc). It may be that I'm a bit bitter right now because 80% of my girl friends have kids and I feel that I'm constantly talking about babies. And don't get me wrong I LOVE their BABIES and I love my friends----but sometimes a friend just needs to talk.

I think we should all (kids or no kids) examine ourselves next time we are talking to someone. Are we really taking the time to truly listen to them? Are we just interrupting an important conversation to focus on ourselves??? Everyone needs to vent and I believe the key to a good friendship of ANY kind is a balance of listening and talking....

I promise to actually write something about food tomorrow- just had to get this off of my chest today. I'm not always this dark:)

Colors of Fall---and my Maam's rolls

It is unusually warm out today----I have taken two walks to enjoy it despite it being a little rainy. I find it to be so crazy beautiful outside, with the different colored leaves falling down creating little abstract paintings of their own on the side walks- different patterns of colors everywhere you look.

Whenever I see anything beautiful in something so ordinary I often think of my grandmother (my Maam). Sometimes when I am so grateful to be living and walking through colors of fall, or along the beach with my dog, or even enjoying a good cup of coffee I think of her. It's always beautiful things that remind me of her because she had such a truly beautiful spirit. I miss her immensely and often- sometimes I find something amusing and I reach for the phone to call her and realize I can't anymore....but I feel like she's always smiling at me when she sees me smiling at ordinary beauty. I love you Maam.

I mention my Maam in this food blog because she left me with this ridiculous task for thanksgiving---or rather I have sort of brought this upon myself....My Maam made the best yeast rolls at Thanksgiving---like really it was my favorite part- that and her cranberry sauce. Well this year I have decided that I will tackle the yeast rolls....for years she showed my sister and I how to shape them---but did I ever once write down the recipe??? of course not. So starting November 1st I'm going to be a yeast roll baking queen and try everything to get them down. I know that even if I fail at least she would be laughing at all the work I'm going to be putting into something that she did so easily.

Anyway I hope that for anyone who reads this--you go and call your grandparents and tell them how much you love them...and even write down that favorite recipe of theirs that you adore.
Cheers.

Give those Muffins Hell

My boyfriend left me a note last night for me to find when I woke up for my 3am bakery shift this morning---it read: "Give those muffins hell today!" Amusing yes- but this also pretty sums up what my life has been like for the last 3 weeks since starting the pastry assistant job.

I've some how gotten over my insomnia (thank you Valerian Root!)---however my mind and body can't quite match up ever- and when they finally recover, say on Sunday evening--it's by then time to start the week all over again. Oh well I'm definitly learning a lot.

And did I mention I'm a fool for baking? The pictures above are what I have created after working 8 hours and coming home to an empty house. One day I decided I must have Sourdough pancakes---they beckoned me all week- and my sourdough starter was also crying at me to feed it-damn you sourdough starter.

Another afternoon we had all this left over croissant dough from work---i thought I would make mini pain au chocolat. Basically because I'm a fool for anything mini and chocolate. Plus- have you ever made croissants? They literally take like one billion hours- okay not that long but they are a major pain in the ass and it makes me depressed to watch that buttery goodness of scraps get thrown in the trash.

Anyway as you can see I've been busy mainly with feeding people- and myself. I've had to up my walks daily just to keep up with the baked goods I keep feeding my face with. Hope to keep up this blog more- now that I've started adjusting to this ridiculous sleep deprived lifestyle.

Cheers-

Insomnia and Plain Cake

I suppose that Insomnia means many many nights in a row with no sleep. However- I declare that I'm a full out insomniac after two nights of so very little sleep. I go to bed with the best of intentions of getting 6 hours (since my new job consists of me working 3am-11am).....as soon as I lay my head on the pillow my mind starts racing- and I keep thinking good lord what if I can't sleep??? What if I only get three measly hours of sleep before having to get up at 2am and bake for 8 hours? Well that's exactly whats happening.....I'm like a zombie now---I have never gotten so little sleep in my life---even in college!!!!!

Let's hope I get some sleep tonight----I don't think my body can fit any more coffee in the morning...

In other more exciting crisis's: I need to make a birthday cake for a friend this weekend---however the friend doesn't have very exciting taste buds and wants a chocolate cake with plain old vanilla frosting (no nutella? no PB?) *sigh*
So if anyone can think of any way to make this cake more exciting (mainly for me to make)...let me know!

Okay time to go mope about and dread trying to sleep again tonight. I swear I'm unable to even speak sentences at work now---special.

Crunchy little leaves and a new job

What is better than Fall? You are surrounded by bright falling bits of color everywhere you walk- the air is crisp, you get to sip steaming cups of hot cider or coffee and eat apple or pumpkin everything. Hot soup tastes good again---Long sleeve shirts are comfortable. The optimist in me loves Fall----the pessimist starts getting scared for a long Maine winter. But for now I think I'll go eat a chunk of Irish Soda Bread I made last night and have a hot coffee.

Sidetrack- I started an Assistant Pastry Chef position today at a local bakery---I'm pretty excited to learn all kinds of new techniques- and feel lucky that they picked someone with only home baking experience----the pay is pretty lousy the hours are insane (3am-11am)---but I think I might actually enjoy working somewhere warm that smells amazing all winter!

For the love of Bread

What is better than fresh bread? What can satisfy the soul and stomach more than a salty warm square or chunk covered in butter?

Time line of my bread making:

7 am- I hurry on my walk with Tess dog because I have just submerged the yeast in the water, I'm trying out a new recipe so I'm paranoid of each step.

7:30- in goes whole wheat flour, dry milk, honey with the yeast and water- Thank you kitchen aid for making my bread attempts easier. The sponge sits for an hour.

8:30- More flour, salt, and butter are mixed in- it becomes to thick for the Kitchen aid to handle- so i take it out and begin the kneading process- push out, fold over, turn, push out, fold over, turn. I try to get a rhythm down but struggle a little- wondering if the bread notices---
I let the bread sit for 2 hours while I go run errands

10:30- Yay the bread has risen so well-- I can't explain the joy i get in this--Punch the bread down (my favorite part). Let rise again.

11:30- punch down again. Let rise for one more hour

12:30- Shaping the loafs a new way then I have before. They are so beautiful and fat. I want to eat the dough. Let rise for 30 minutes.

1:00- Oven's at 350....wondering if I have time to run to the store while it bakes for 50 minutes.

1:50- rushing back from the store I arrive at perfect moment to take out my loafs...they are so perfect and tall and I'm beyond delighted. Let cool.

2:30- My friend arrives and I set a warm piece in front of her with butter and honey, and one in front of myself...I take a bite and am overrun with feelings of satisfaction.
Bread is perfect. Friend agrees- yet doesn't feel the process in her mouth like I do I'm sure.


SO many things I love about baking- but I never feel as satisfied as I do when i eat a gigantic piece of warm bread and think of all the hours that have paid off.