Last night you said to me that "I am proud of you mama" out of nowhere which perhaps means you don't know what proud is, or you are actually proud of me for no reason at all. I am going to go with the second. I dont think one line has ever been said to me that meant so much. For being a Mom I question everyday if I am doing it right. Sometimes to keep my sanity in check I have to be proud of myself for simple things, and I thank you for saying that because we all should be proud of ourselves for just being who we are sometimes. I started thinking the following thoughts this morning when I was walking after dropping you off at daycare and watching you wave to me out the window---things I want you to know about me:
I am never going to be the Mom who knits you sweaters, I will never have a clean house. I don't for the life of me know how to make a ferry crown out of flowers. I swear entirely to much, often and sometimes loud. I am impatient. I like things done a certain way. I am lazy in other ways. I let you watch tv when my head hurts from parenting. I am no good at sitting still and I often rush us or talk about all the things we are doing in one day just to sort it out in my mind. I get bored easily. I am most at ease when I am in the kitchen or walking or watching you play with your Dad. I find you to be the most hilarious creature I have ever met and I let you get away with to much. I feed you chocolate when your dads not looking. I bribe you to use the potty with treats. I let you eat raw cookie dough. I often expose to you extremely cold temperatures just to get a walk in. I wonder how I could ever love another being as much as I love you, so that doesn't sit well when I think about having a second.
On the other hand--- I will have a dance party with you anytime you ask me- I will make up words to a song to keep you from crying. Even if its inappropriate and involves butts as a lyric. I will take you on an adventure everyday---I will hold you for two miles in 10 degree weather and duck under snow covered trees just to see the shore with you. I will search for crabs under seaweed for hours. I will always think simple things are beautiful like acorns, and seashells, and red berries in snow. I will let you eat a million blueberries in July, and drink a cup of cocoa in Winter. Even though I have no filter, and how I feel is written all over my face and often coming out of my mouth- this will mean that I will never hide anything from you. I will always be real with you. I will hug you and kiss you more than you like, even though I have a hard time hugging and kissing most humans. I will read you a billion books even though I long to be reading my own book. I will never feel guilty that you still share a bed with us because you are only little for so long and one of the best feelings is having your warm little head still fit under the crook of my arm. You are still breastfeeding and you are over two, and I don't care because you will stop when you are ready and really having you has let me let go of people that are judgy. I will jump in puddles with you, and chase chickens and Ill let you eat rice cakes for lunch. When it comes to you my dear boy you are my biggest weakness and strength. You are the Love of my life. When you are gone I miss you and when you are near I long for space and its all okay because thats just who I am. So when some-days seem so extremely tough, i want to remind you and I that we can only be who we are and I hope that you are always proud of this imperfect mama, as much as I am proud of you.
