Winter I hate you.

I can appreciate a snowy day....walking through the woods in snowshoes peering up at the trees all sparkly and white.
Today is 2 degrees.  My mind can't make sense of this....2 degrees is that even possible?  -15 windchill---is that real?

Yeah sure the walk is pretty---the ice chunks in the water---frozen harbor with sea smoke.
But really FU sea smoke.  FU ice chunks.  I would rather be swimming in you after laying on the beach soaking up the rays.
I would rather get my Vitamin D from the sun then in tablet form or sitting under some expensive Mood light-bulb.
I would love to be sitting outside with a beer in hand on the green grass at 7pm.
Not curled up, or rather sitting on top of the woodstove---procrastinating going out to fetch more wood.  Afraid my hands might fall off.... remember when I walked outside in my shorts and tank top...barefoot???  If I did this now I would stick to the ground.  I would cry without even knowing from the cold.   My nostrils frozen....no one should ever have to have frozen nostrils.

FU winter. 
Thank you for keeping me inside with the chocolate treats.....instead of walking by the seashore.  Thanks for the winter weight!  Remember when I was tan?  Its hard to believe looking down at my ghastly white skin...dry.  But I mean there's fun things like nosebleeds from it being so dry out...and everyone loves falling on ice...cause the ground is so soft this time of year of course.  And the flu----a perfect excuse to watch movies in between the chills and hot flashes.

Someone told me that the halfway point of winter is in ten days.  I almost punched them.  It's not the halfway point yet?  Well pour me another hot toddy.  Or can I just hibernate?  Seems like that would make things a lot easier.   Wake me up when I don't have to wear long johns, a sweater, a puff vest and jacket---along with gloves, hat, and scarf and muck boots. Let me know when I won't die from a 10 minute walk outside.  When it doesn't feel like I am being kicked in the face by the cold.

Wake me up when there is color---flowers, and green grass.  I am done with white, dirty white, grays and black.  Wake me up when I can stop eating freaking squash and root vegetables.  When I can pick up green leafy wonderful veggies at the farmers markets, instead of paying 5$ for Kale from halfway across the USA. I am so sick of soup and  I think I forgot what a tomato tastes like.....

Okay I am done with my rant.  I just miss you warm weather...and I am very close to overdosing on vitamin D and emergen-c packets. I Love you Maine, but please bring spring soon....or at least 30 degree weather. 

Transporting Field

And it went like this........

I was lying low, but not to low. Sort of peaking up from the long grass that I was in---in the middle of the faded yellow/green field. I had transported myself there in my head when things were bad. When all I could see was colors of rage-- colors of blue and red -dark and flashing and changing and mean.

When everything I was saying was in spits and bursts and between tears and rolling off my snarling mean tongue like an angry snake... When I was completely unreasonable and had finally given up I transported myself to this field.

I sit up and I take it in---there’s a large dark brown barn way off in the corner-----and if I walk a mile or so down the field it leads me to a small beach with icy blue water...scattered driftwood and shells and former remnants of sea life. Ill get there eventually...... for now I lay in this field and I try not to think---but that's not really possible. So I take in the sun on my skin because even in the dead of winter this field is an early summer day. I photosynthesis because I can when I transport myself here. I can do whatever I want. So I do and I dream of my husband and I walking hand in hand near water or in the woods---I think of his smile and his laugh and his ability to love fully. And this is all part of my healing in this field---reminders of why I live.

I am suddenly swooped up by the colors of the wind---yellows and purples carry me down the road to the shore. On the rocks there is a tray with bread and honey and a wheat beer. I knew myself so well that I dreamed my favorite things up for my arrival. I sit munching and sipping----breathing in the salt air....thinking of my dad on the lobster boat, and his talking between strings of traps. Thinking of deep green traps and brown lobsters...thinking of how I lucked out in childhood- with him and my mom and sister. I lucked out.

I realize I want a swim--- I walk across the beach full of sand and shells and my feet don't even hurt. Because when I transported myself to this spot—i gave myself feet with thick soles. I put on my favorite version of my body---tan and strong, and freckles.

I strip down and I walk slowly into the water.... I am still fascinated how the water is clear when it appears so blue....I decide it would be nice if it was filled with phosphorescence instead. So just like that its night, and the dinoflagellates appear and I swirl and my body is outlined with tiny yellow stars....tiny yellow fireworks that look like stars.... I swim and I look behind me at the trail I leave---slowly fading. I swim and I swim until I wear myself out and decide to let the phosphorescence rest.

I am happily tired- and I think of all the memories of night swimming with my sister and friends in the past. Another memory I love.

I look up and lucky me...no smart me(look I built up my confidence too). I create a small cabin overlooking the shore on the hill. I go in and the fire is already going for me. Of course there is rocking chair with cushions and a robe and slippers for my feet. Cocoa and a cookie for later. I rock and rock and stare at the fire. I am almost back to my normal non-raging self. Almost. What is missing---oh I know......

I transport myself back to reality. In reality I am curled up next to my husband. In my non-cabin on the non-hill and there is no ocean here. But I missed it. I missed the comfort of my non-perfect home with my animals near the fire....Reading by the fire.

Really I just needed a break....I am lucky I have this power.