The View from the bottom

I am not going to lie- things have really sucked this February (see previous post.). I have had a really hard time digging myself out of this hole of dispair. When I wake up in the morning I have this sudden excitement that perhaps I just dreamt it all and that things are okay.... or maybe it's not that at all...maybe these sudden waves of hope are just that...Hope. Hope that things will get better and it won't always feel this heavy on my chest.
I know what depression feels like- I have felt it before laying on my heart, washing over my body....the sudden sense of things un-right, or not knowing if it will get better. The all consuming feeling of worthlessness, and self-pity. I have fought against this for years, I have fought against anxiety-- the panic in my body that I can't fix something, that I have lost control. I fight and I lose, but most of the time I fight and I win.
I got a call from a friend this morning that brightened my day-- news of an engagement. A perfect one at that. And it almost brought me to tears because I know things can go on...I know that as sad as I feel right now about my situation that those I love still can feel happiness, and I am not so far gone as to not feel intense happiness for them.
When I am down I think of the following three things perhaps not in this order:

1. Being on the lobsterboat with my Dad (even though I don't get out there as much as I would like too)... the ocean, the sights, the trap breaking up from the deep green/blue water... and my dad talking to me between traps, or not talking and there is just this great comfortable silence. That we are both out there doing what we love to do. In my mind this is how I calm down sometimes...I picture us both out there- and between the thoughts of my dad and the ocean I can calm down.

2. Baking- To quote Julie and Julia:

"I love that after a day when nothing is sure, and when I say 'nothing' I mean nothing, you can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It's such a comfort."

I feel like I'm doing something useful... like at the end of the day if I did nothing else besides bake a chocolate cake at least I accomplished that! And what is better than seeing someone enjoy something you created? I am grateful that I finally figured out what I love to do.

3.My husband. When I am down I always think of Ellery and I laughing or enjoying a good conversation. Be it marching in the living room, or taking a long walk with Tess dog down a beautiful road. It does something to comfort my troubled soul to know that I am married to this incredible human being. That I met someone that makes me feel like I am worth all the trouble.

I ask people this today- Ask someone how they are doing and mean it today.... you never know what people are going through. You never know how they are actually doing. I am very lucky to have people in my life who I can turn too. Listening is a gift anyone can give and it means so much to people who need it.

Facing rock bottom

Although an eternal pessimist, I always hold onto HOPE that things will work themselves out. This is sort of a contradicting view on life... However much of my family has the same theory and I sort of just went with it.

I have been going through some insane amount of hard times lately. Nothing I am willing to go into detail about....Let's just say it has really let me see how much I can really handle when the world comes crashing down. It has also let me see who I reach out for when I feel I can't take it all upon myself.

By nature or perhaps a Havener family trait- I would much rather take the whole load and deal with things myself than have to have someone else go through as much pain as I am going through. It makes me very upset when I upset someone else I love....even if it is not my fault.

I am also a control freak- I will admit it...I think I can control everything that happens to me just by expecting the worst...like if I prepare myself for the worst than it can't hurt so bad. However I have learned that I am very wrong. You can't control how you will react or how you FEEL. You can't control how deeply you love or how badly you want something... try as you might you are still going to hold on to this idea of HOPE and or FAITH that the world will work itself out.

I am not a church going person- or at least not on a consistent basis. I def. Pray when I know it's not in my hands- I look up when I can no longer stand looking at the ground. I reach out and take comfort in knowing that there has to be someone out there looking over us. I don't argue about religion- I believe that as long as you have something to believe in- be it god, nature, or whatever else....at least you have some inherent faith that someone else is taking care of you.

My faith is constantly tested...especially after this week... and although things did not work out in my favor I am incredibly grateful for the gifts that are in front of me in the form of friends, family and the kindness of strangers.

I may never see any good that has come from this situation....but I do see that I have the greatest husband, who's unrelenting love for me covers all obstacles. I was never aware that I could love or be loved like this. When you say your vows: “For better or for worse”.. you never prepare yourself fully for the worst. My husband took it seriously. He knows when to let me be and when not to leave me alone.. and he usually says the right things...even when I'm in my dark hole of lost hope. I am so thankful for him- its beyond words.

And than I have this crazy family- who drives me insane but who gets in a car and drives hours in the blink of an eye just to come sit with me and tell me it will be okay. A sister who will send me 20 text messages when I can't bring myself to speak. It's dedication and love.

There's also these amazing friends who shock me with their ability to comfort me at my lowest point, and encourage me to see the future. I am so grateful to have all these people in my life.

I may have hit bottom, and I def. Hit it in the worst time of the year- in the dreariness of mid-february when all I can see in the immediate future is gray and cold. However I try to remind myself that winter always has a way of turning into spring- and soon there will be sun and flowers and boat rides to nowhere and happy gatherings. And although it does little to lighten my heavy heart right now- it does pierce through to the depths of my soul and reminds me that it can't be bad forever. There is always HOPE for a better day, FAITH that things will get better, and people to guide you along the way.