When light leaves the day to soon

I find myself throwing things. Swearing more- smiling less. I give inanimate objects evil looks and shake my fist at my animals. I want to walk my anger away but i only last 30 mins in the bitter cold and it pisses me off. Just a month or two ago I was hopeful for life. A house soon? Perhaps a family down the road? Now I find I'm just so angry that everything is on delay. I'm angry I lack control. Most of all I'm angry at death for taking people I love away- people that could of helped me out of this hole I'm climbing into.

I know in the back of my mind that this is just me against the lack of light, against the winter months, against the seasonal depression that always kicks in. No amount of Vitamin D seems to strengthen my immunity to it. It just happens- and I need to except it.

I should take up a hobby I'm told. I bought yarn last week and some knitting needles- but I looked up how to do it online and threw the needles and yarn away from me after a minute. Have I mentioned I lack patience also? I think about painting then this voice tells me why bother.

I have to snap out of this before I get to deep I'm well aware. I remind myself of: warm days on Macmahan island, landscaping by the ocean, walks along the beach, ice cream cones melting in my hand, friends that I haven't seen in months. I remind myself to be hopeful for the future- winter doesn't last forever- and there are always things ahead to look forward to.


A poem I wrote this morning:

"Alarmed by the shadow of movement on the wall.
I realized it was just my reflection-
This did not comfort me as it should."