2013
What a year. At this
time last year I was desperately trying to become pregnant after a year of
trying to get pregnant and two miscarriages.
Today I took a nap in front of the wood stove with my son Alden after a
long night of not sleeping, and thought who cares if I ever sleep. At least I have this little guy by my
side. I feel incredibly thankful for
this past year, and for some important people who entered my life, and those
who have been there all along.
First of all, I have the most incredible husband as I have
mentioned before. He has been with me
for 6 years now, and this year may have
been one of the hardest, and the best all at once. He has held my hand through loss, mental illness (OCD took
over my life for ¾ of my pregnancy), happiness, defeat, depression, and
birth. I will never be able to explain
to anyone who wasn't at the birth of our son how incredible Ellery is. He was with me every second, through every contraction,
and at several times during the birth he literally held me up. He is always my anchor. And now we are embarking along perhaps the
hardest part of a relationship----a newborn baby where there is much less
sleep, less socializing, and less time as a couple. I don't doubt the power of our relationship,
and that we will survive. I see him
holding our boy or hugging me when he is so tired, and I know what love and
sacrifice is.
When we became pregnant we decided that we wanted to go a
much different route then we had attempted to go before when I got
pregnant. We didn't want to deal with
hospitals, and doctors with no bedside manners.
Both of us after the trauma of last time wanted comfort, and someone we
could trust.
We met our midwife when I was just a few weeks along. We instantly felt at ease with her. We had a couple scary moments in the
beginning of pregnancy, and she calmly helped us through it. She also dealt with phone calls and texts,
and emails from me as my OCD peaked and I became obsessed with the survival of
the fetus inside me. She let me come
listen to the heartbeat of my precious boy anytime I was worried...and remained
a calm and strong presence for Ellery and I throughout our pregnancy. I am sure it took a lot of Patience and I am
forever grateful. Not only were we
thrilled to have her as a midwife, but I slowly gained confidence in my body to
do what it was suppose to do. Grow a
healthy baby. I wasn't hooked up to
machines all the time, or had to do a bunch of blood work. I best of all I didn't have to be rushed off
to the hospital as soon as my water broke on November 27th. I got to stay in the comfort of my own home
and labor through. My midwife, and the assisting midwifes were amazing, and
were such a great support. When labor
became really intense I found strength within myself that I didn't know I
had. I gathered strength from positive
memories, and by focusing on people I love.
I feel like a different person after the birth of Alden, I feel stronger
as a woman for knowing what us women are capable of. I want to thank my wonderful midwife for her
presence, and all midwifes out there that help women feel this way.
Two wonderful friends entered my life this year and I am
forever grateful. My friends Ellen and
Kate who both have babies---Pascal who is 3 months, and Darius who is 9
months---helped me enormously throughout my pregnancy and this year. Just by meeting once a week for a great hike
or a talk---helped my mental health enormously.
When I would go on about my OCD, or even when they had to witness me in
the middle of it, I never felt judged. I
am thankful for these new friendships, and hope our babes grow up together in
this beautiful area of the world we live in.
I am as always incredibly grateful for my family—who has
dealt with me since birth and who has had to put up with my ways for years
now. Thank you for answering every call
and taking me through all my crazy OCD fits, thank you for reassuring me that
things will be okay, thank you for taking the time to check in on me, and thank
you most of all for loving Alden the way you do. With all your heart.
I also want to acknowledge my community, as well as the
support of strangers this year. Together
with you and my family and friends I raised money for a food truck that will be
happening this summer---it sort of got put on the back burner when Alden came
into my life, but I look forward to expanding my business and I am so
incredibly grateful for everyone’s support and interest in the food truck and
pie business.
Of course I am so incredibly grateful for my boy Alden. When I met you I felt like I had always known
you----strange since your name means “Old friend”. Everyday you do something new and you look
more deeply into my eyes and smile a bit bigger. You melt my heart. Even when I am running on
no sleep and I am covered in poo and we are all sorts of stressed out. I am reminded of what a gift you are. You are my boy, I wanted you for so long, I
carried you in me and I was always so worried about you---and now you are here
and I will worry about you forever---and it is all so worth it. I’ve been in love with you since you were a
cell. I look forward to everyday with
you because everyday I love you more.
Waiting for you was the most trying thing I ever had to do, but I would
do it all over again if the outcome was always you. I love you my boy.
In summary I am happy for every low and high of 2013--- what
a difference time can make in ones life.
My resolution is to remind myself everyday how lucky I am---I hope that
you can do the same. Everyone that is
loved, and loves is a truly blessed person.
Bring on 2014.
