2013

2013

What a year.  At this time last year I was desperately trying to become pregnant after a year of trying to get pregnant and two miscarriages.  Today I took a nap in front of the wood stove with my son Alden after a long night of not sleeping, and thought who cares if I ever sleep.  At least I have this little guy by my side.  I feel incredibly thankful for this past year, and for some important people who entered my life, and those who have been there all along.

First of all, I have the most incredible husband as I have mentioned before.  He has been with me for 6  years now, and this year may have been one of the hardest, and the best all at once.  He has held my  hand through loss, mental illness (OCD took over my life for ¾ of my pregnancy), happiness, defeat, depression, and birth.  I will never be able to explain to anyone who wasn't at the birth of our son how incredible Ellery is.  He was with me every second, through every contraction, and at several times during the birth he literally held me up.  He is always my anchor.  And now we are embarking along perhaps the hardest part of a relationship----a newborn baby where there is much less sleep, less socializing, and less time as a couple.  I don't doubt the power of our relationship, and that we will survive.  I see him holding our boy or hugging me when he is so tired, and I know what love and sacrifice is.

When we became pregnant we decided that we wanted to go a much different route then we had attempted to go before when I got pregnant.  We didn't want to deal with hospitals, and doctors with no bedside manners.  Both of us after the trauma of last time wanted comfort, and someone we could trust. 

We met our midwife when I was just a few weeks along.  We instantly felt at ease with her.  We had a couple scary moments in the beginning of pregnancy, and she calmly helped us through it.  She also dealt with phone calls and texts, and emails from me as my OCD peaked and I became obsessed with the survival of the fetus inside me.  She let me come listen to the heartbeat of my precious boy anytime I was worried...and remained a calm and strong presence for Ellery and I throughout our pregnancy.  I am sure it took a lot of Patience and I am forever grateful.  Not only were we thrilled to have her as a midwife, but I slowly gained confidence in my body to do what it was suppose to do.  Grow a healthy baby.  I wasn't hooked up to machines all the time, or had to do a bunch of blood work.  I best of all I didn't have to be rushed off to the hospital as soon as my water broke on November 27^th.  I got to stay in the comfort of my own home and labor through. My midwife, and the assisting midwifes were amazing, and were such a great support.  When labor became really intense I found strength within myself that I didn't know I had.  I gathered strength from positive memories, and by focusing on people I love.  I feel like a different person after the birth of Alden, I feel stronger as a woman for knowing what us women are capable of.  I want to thank my wonderful midwife for her presence, and all midwifes out there that help women feel this way. 

Two wonderful friends entered my life this year and I am forever grateful.  My friends Ellen and Kate who both have babies---Pascal who is 3 months, and Darius who is 9 months---helped me enormously throughout my pregnancy and this year.  Just by meeting once a week for a great hike or a talk---helped my mental health enormously.  When I would go on about my OCD, or even when they had to witness me in the middle of it, I never felt judged.  I am thankful for these new friendships, and hope our babes grow up together in this beautiful area of the world we live in. 

I am as always incredibly grateful for my family—who has dealt with me since birth and who has had to put up with my ways for years now.  Thank you for answering every call and taking me through all my crazy OCD fits, thank you for reassuring me that things will be okay, thank you for taking the time to check in on me, and thank you most of all for loving Alden the way you do.  With all your heart.

I also want to acknowledge my community, as well as the support of strangers this year.  Together with you and my family and friends I raised money for a food truck that will be happening this summer---it sort of got put on the back burner when Alden came into my life, but I look forward to expanding my business and I am so incredibly grateful for everyone’s support and interest in the food truck and pie business.

Of course I am so incredibly grateful for my boy Alden.  When I met you I felt like I had always known you----strange since your name means “Old friend”.  Everyday you do something new and you look more deeply into my eyes and smile a bit bigger.  You melt my heart. Even when I am running on no sleep and I am covered in poo and we are all sorts of stressed out.  I am reminded of what a gift you are.  You are my boy, I wanted you for so long, I carried you in me and I was always so worried about you---and now you are here and I will worry about you forever---and it is all so worth it.  I’ve been in love with you since you were a cell.  I look forward to everyday with you because everyday I love you more.  Waiting for you was the most trying thing I ever had to do, but I would do it all over again if the outcome was always you.  I love you my boy.

In summary I am happy for every low and high of 2013--- what a difference time can make in ones life.  My resolution is to remind myself everyday how lucky I am---I hope that you can do the same.  Everyone that is loved, and loves is a truly blessed person.  Bring on 2014.

Dear Squirmy one-

It's rather warm out for November, a balmy 52 degrees-- the rain started pouring down a few hours ago.  As usual my thoughts are on you little squirmy baby inside of me.
It's very hard for me to believe that I have made it 40 weeks, that any day now you could make your appearance and this amount of love that I has built up every minute I can finally express to you on the outside.
Every second that I have been scared about your well being---which has been since I found out I was pregnant with you will all be worth it.  Every tear I cried, every time I layed my hand on my stomach to figure out where you were, every frustration of wondering if we would ever make it this far will all be over soon and I can finally have you in my arms.
I have had such a hard time letting myself believe that everything will work out and I will see you so very soon and you will be here with me.  It's like I wouldn't let myself believe that I would be the receiver of such an amazing gift from God.  My worry and love for you extends far beyond anything I have ever felt, and frankly it scares me to death.  I would and will give up everything to have you be a healthy, happy, being.  I promise to love you with every ounce of myself.
So as I sit here in these final few days of it just being me and your Dad---my brain and heart is somewhere else---I feel like I already know you.  I feel like I see our lives together and I am so ready for them to start that my heart is going to burst out of my chest.  Has anyone ever wanted someone as bad as i want you?  Does every mother feel like this?  I hope so.
Anyway dear squirmy one---I hope you make your appearance into this world soon as I am restless, and stuck in this in between spot of my old self and being a mother.  I can't wait to meet you.  I can't wait to kiss your face and count your fingers and be exhausted and tired for every good reason.  I can't wait to see your Dad's face when he meets you.  Ive been picturing you for so long.  Please come out little one.  I am so ready for you to be here.

Who thought I would be this torn up over losing a chicken?

It only takes one night out of 500 nights for something to happen when you are a chicken owner.  Of all the worry, and thought, and constant nagging I have had for the chickens to be locked safely in each evening....last night I blew it.
Ellery and I were both exhausted, and even in the final moments before sleep, I didn't even have my final are the chickens okay worry.  So when Ellery went out at 9:30pm before bed with the Dog and heard a noise coming from the Coop...he knew it was no good.

He made it over there just to see something dragging one of our chickens into the woods.  The chicken escaped---but was tragically injured.  Ellery watched it die right in front of him.
2 other chickens were missing.  Of course my favorite chickens: Benedict, and Little Red.

Benedict has been my favorite from the beginning, very independent and a beautiful Araucana that lays blue eggs.  She would always do her own thing---and she had a taste for leftover pie dough.  She was my smartest chicken (or so I thought), so I never thought she would be the first to go.

Little Red is the sweetest chicken I have ever known, and I didn't know chickens could be sweet.  She often wants to be patted or even held.  And she has this weird squat thing she does when she comes over to you......

Well after hysterically crying when Ellery told me about the chickens, sure enough it was those two that were taken, plus the black one he saw die.  I was/still am so upset.  I walked around the whole yard at 5am yelling for them.  When I had given up hope and was inside---Ellery yelled for me to look across the road (a very busy road).  There was Little Red---drenched and scared.  I ran over in my pajamas and managed to coax her after while with some Ricotta Cheese.  The fact that she escaped from the predator, and then managed to run across the road and survive all night is amazing!  She is such a brave chicken, and I am so so so grateful that she made it home alive!

Sad news for Benedict though.  I thought for sure he would come home---but today with the help of my carpenters dog I found him and his feathers in the woods.  I mourn the loss of this bird.  And will sorely miss seeing him out in the yard and munching on pie dough.

I know that people think its silly to be attached to chickens, but some chickens just have such unique and awesome personalities....Not to mention I have raised these chickens since they were three days old and love them like pets.  I know I shouldn't get so attached because they are essentially livestock.  But they provide such a great happiness to see them out in the fields eating grass or digging up worms.

So RIP Benedict, and Meringue the Chicken.  Thanks for all the beautiful eggs, and thanks for providing me with happiness by just being a creature of God.

We hope to catch the creature that did this, although its really not their fault that we were careless and forgot to lock the hens up on time.  Still it would make me feel better if it was caught.

The Great Easter Egg Hunt

The Great Easter Egg Hunt

When my sister and I were younger and my grandparents were still around we would all gather at their house and have a gigantic Easter egg hunt with all of our cousins.  The whole family would be watching as we would shove and grab and try to get as many eggs as possible, all filled with candy or prizes.  After we would gorge on Easter lunch with deviled eggs, ham, and of course my Nanny's famous Bunny Cake.

After my grandparents passed, and how it often goes in many families when the Matriarch and Patriarch pass on---the family started to separate off and do their own thing---which is too bad really and we all do think fondly back on those days.

However out of this the greatest holiday tradition was born from my Dad.

He started an Easter Egg scavenger hunt for my sister and I.  In each egg there is a clue to the next egg until the very end where you get a prize (it use to be candy, now its $ and scratch tickets).  When we were younger---say early teens he would hide them just around our house.  But in the last 4 or 5 years  he has really gotten crazy and we now find ourselves driving all over the town of Friendship.

There is always the normal stops along the way: a visit to our grandparents graves where we leave two eggs, a trip down to THE KAPPS on Martin Point road to fetch an egg off their property.  I have to say my favorite ones are always down at the Wharf, or at an old family spot that only our family would know about.   Sometimes he gets people involved and we have to go talk to Ernie down at Wallace's Market and ask for the egg, or go say hello to our Aunt.  We always bring our cellphones and end up giving a call if we don't understand a clue---like I have no idea where North west is in relation to a tree on our property, or which cooler in the bait shed down at the wharf the egg might be hiding in.

We get some very strange looks because we are 25 and 28 year old girls searching for eggs in Friendship, but we are def. Not ashamed, in fact I think we are the luckiest daughters alive.  And my dad really gets a kick out of getting us out of our comfort zone and having to go fetch an egg from someone's chicken coop for example, at the same time I find myself rediscovering how beautiful the town I grew up in is, and how connected I am to so many places in it.  I feel so happy after this easter hunt for having all these happy memories associated with my childhood.

I hope this tradition never ends---someday I picture Ash and my kid's searching for eggs down at my parents house—and thinking how incredibly lucky they are to have such cool grandparents to spoil them.

Spring Dreaming

Bring me some green grass. Let it be a shock to my system. Let me run out and feel it with my bare feet and back. Let the flowers pop up slowly around me with their shades of spring—fantastic yellows and purples and pinks.

Let me walk outside with a long sleeve shirt on and not freeze to death. Let the chickens be happy to run around their little yard and pick at non frozen ground.

Let me start my seedlings in tiny pots and rake up the garden and add some dirt to it. Let me feel the dirt in my hands.

Allow me to take a long walk with out thinking of snow, sleet, ice, frostbite or windchill. Without five layers of clothes, 2 pairs of socks and Muckboots. Let Tess dog roll around in the field by the water.

Allow me to stare at the ocean and allow thoughts to creep into my head about future swimming in spotted blue bathing suits. Drying off on a rock.

Let me think of fresh vegetables---do you remember those? Greens, tomatoes, basil.. A Pie with fresh picked berries. The smell of grilling, and a cold summer ale.

Let me recall my porch sitting days. You and me on a bench in the morning staring out at Corey's Cove with a cup of coffee in our hands. Quiet and still, and in our pajamas--- reading a paper from a few weeks ago.

Let me dream of boat rides to islands with picnic lunches. Lobster boats and watching you sail. A long novel on the beach, and kids making sand castles.

Allow me this in the depth of winter. When the windchill is -8 and there is 12 inches of snow on the ground. Allow me my dreams of spring and fantasies of summer. Its all that's getting me through.

Winter I hate you.

I can appreciate a snowy day....walking through the woods in snowshoes peering up at the trees all sparkly and white.
Today is 2 degrees.  My mind can't make sense of this....2 degrees is that even possible?  -15 windchill---is that real?

Yeah sure the walk is pretty---the ice chunks in the water---frozen harbor with sea smoke.
But really FU sea smoke.  FU ice chunks.  I would rather be swimming in you after laying on the beach soaking up the rays.
I would rather get my Vitamin D from the sun then in tablet form or sitting under some expensive Mood light-bulb.
I would love to be sitting outside with a beer in hand on the green grass at 7pm.
Not curled up, or rather sitting on top of the woodstove---procrastinating going out to fetch more wood.  Afraid my hands might fall off.... remember when I walked outside in my shorts and tank top...barefoot???  If I did this now I would stick to the ground.  I would cry without even knowing from the cold.   My nostrils frozen....no one should ever have to have frozen nostrils.

FU winter. 
Thank you for keeping me inside with the chocolate treats.....instead of walking by the seashore.  Thanks for the winter weight!  Remember when I was tan?  Its hard to believe looking down at my ghastly white skin...dry.  But I mean there's fun things like nosebleeds from it being so dry out...and everyone loves falling on ice...cause the ground is so soft this time of year of course.  And the flu----a perfect excuse to watch movies in between the chills and hot flashes.

Someone told me that the halfway point of winter is in ten days.  I almost punched them.  It's not the halfway point yet?  Well pour me another hot toddy.  Or can I just hibernate?  Seems like that would make things a lot easier.   Wake me up when I don't have to wear long johns, a sweater, a puff vest and jacket---along with gloves, hat, and scarf and muck boots. Let me know when I won't die from a 10 minute walk outside.  When it doesn't feel like I am being kicked in the face by the cold.

Wake me up when there is color---flowers, and green grass.  I am done with white, dirty white, grays and black.  Wake me up when I can stop eating freaking squash and root vegetables.  When I can pick up green leafy wonderful veggies at the farmers markets, instead of paying 5$ for Kale from halfway across the USA. I am so sick of soup and  I think I forgot what a tomato tastes like.....

Okay I am done with my rant.  I just miss you warm weather...and I am very close to overdosing on vitamin D and emergen-c packets. I Love you Maine, but please bring spring soon....or at least 30 degree weather. 

Transporting Field

And it went like this........

I was lying low, but not to low. Sort of peaking up from the long grass that I was in---in the middle of the faded yellow/green field. I had transported myself there in my head when things were bad. When all I could see was colors of rage-- colors of blue and red -dark and flashing and changing and mean.

When everything I was saying was in spits and bursts and between tears and rolling off my snarling mean tongue like an angry snake... When I was completely unreasonable and had finally given up I transported myself to this field.

I sit up and I take it in---there’s a large dark brown barn way off in the corner-----and if I walk a mile or so down the field it leads me to a small beach with icy blue water...scattered driftwood and shells and former remnants of sea life. Ill get there eventually...... for now I lay in this field and I try not to think---but that's not really possible. So I take in the sun on my skin because even in the dead of winter this field is an early summer day. I photosynthesis because I can when I transport myself here. I can do whatever I want. So I do and I dream of my husband and I walking hand in hand near water or in the woods---I think of his smile and his laugh and his ability to love fully. And this is all part of my healing in this field---reminders of why I live.

I am suddenly swooped up by the colors of the wind---yellows and purples carry me down the road to the shore. On the rocks there is a tray with bread and honey and a wheat beer. I knew myself so well that I dreamed my favorite things up for my arrival. I sit munching and sipping----breathing in the salt air....thinking of my dad on the lobster boat, and his talking between strings of traps. Thinking of deep green traps and brown lobsters...thinking of how I lucked out in childhood- with him and my mom and sister. I lucked out.

I realize I want a swim--- I walk across the beach full of sand and shells and my feet don't even hurt. Because when I transported myself to this spot—i gave myself feet with thick soles. I put on my favorite version of my body---tan and strong, and freckles.

I strip down and I walk slowly into the water.... I am still fascinated how the water is clear when it appears so blue....I decide it would be nice if it was filled with phosphorescence instead. So just like that its night, and the dinoflagellates appear and I swirl and my body is outlined with tiny yellow stars....tiny yellow fireworks that look like stars.... I swim and I look behind me at the trail I leave---slowly fading. I swim and I swim until I wear myself out and decide to let the phosphorescence rest.

I am happily tired- and I think of all the memories of night swimming with my sister and friends in the past. Another memory I love.

I look up and lucky me...no smart me(look I built up my confidence too). I create a small cabin overlooking the shore on the hill. I go in and the fire is already going for me. Of course there is rocking chair with cushions and a robe and slippers for my feet. Cocoa and a cookie for later. I rock and rock and stare at the fire. I am almost back to my normal non-raging self. Almost. What is missing---oh I know......

I transport myself back to reality. In reality I am curled up next to my husband. In my non-cabin on the non-hill and there is no ocean here. But I missed it. I missed the comfort of my non-perfect home with my animals near the fire....Reading by the fire.

Really I just needed a break....I am lucky I have this power.