Oh the Holidays.

I returned to my apartment at 8:30 last night after 30+ hours straight with my family- and then a brief two hours with some friends at the pub (much needed). As soon as I walked into my own house and curled up on the couch with Puff Cat I felt soo much more relaxed- like I had survived an intense event or something.

I adore my family- I really do. It's just that I require a lot of space to be myself in. I have odd habits that they don't really understand. Such as if I don't go for a walk at least once a day I will literally explode in anger and aggression. It's not so much about the exercise (although I do need it after all the holiday treats and dinners etc.....)- it's just about me needing my own time away. I'm also a time schedule freak---- I eat at certain times of the day, I do things in order. Okay I admit it I'm a bit OCD. In fact after opening presents yesterday I was counting down the hours till I could go organize my house without anyone being around me. Does this make me an introvert?

Okay maybe I should save the self-analyzing till New Year's eve when I make all my crazy resolutions that most of the time I can never keep.

Here are the highlights of Christmas with the family:

1. Baked Stuffed Lobster (see pic above)

2. It's a Wonderful Life- although it took me a little over 24 hours to finally finish it---there's just something about that ending that always gets to me- makes me feel grateful despite my constant bitching.

3. Watching my sister and parents open there presents from me.

4. Watching my dad unwrap a present that he got from himself (a toy that hovers above your hands)--- minutes before my mom handed him the same present that she had been saving to give him as a surprise. You had to be there but I saw the rage flash in my mothers eyes and the look in my fathers face that he had done something wrong way before it all went down. But ohhhh so amusing haha--- Plus I got the extra toy!

5. Beers at the Pub with our friends that we now have a tradition of meeting up with on Christmas.

6. Christmas Eve walking through the woods alone with my parents dog. Snow covered ground and trees- sun shining bright. There was this one moment where I felt good- and I also felt my Maam looking down at me smiling. I often think of her when I'm walking alone somewhere beautiful- I feel like she is walking with me- and Ill just look up under a snow covered tree and whisper a simple I love you- and it makes me feel like I haven't lost her but that she is just there. And I believe she is-- as I believe any loved one is if you can recall them in truly beautiful moments.

7. Returning home to my wonderful cats. Putting in "My so-called life" and eating a chunk of delicious bread before retiring to sleep.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas. I'm sort of happy it's over- like my boyfriend said---now that part of my brain that was spent worrying about gifts and such can be used for something more useful. Cheers!

When light leaves the day to soon

I find myself throwing things. Swearing more- smiling less. I give inanimate objects evil looks and shake my fist at my animals. I want to walk my anger away but i only last 30 mins in the bitter cold and it pisses me off. Just a month or two ago I was hopeful for life. A house soon? Perhaps a family down the road? Now I find I'm just so angry that everything is on delay. I'm angry I lack control. Most of all I'm angry at death for taking people I love away- people that could of helped me out of this hole I'm climbing into.

I know in the back of my mind that this is just me against the lack of light, against the winter months, against the seasonal depression that always kicks in. No amount of Vitamin D seems to strengthen my immunity to it. It just happens- and I need to except it.

I should take up a hobby I'm told. I bought yarn last week and some knitting needles- but I looked up how to do it online and threw the needles and yarn away from me after a minute. Have I mentioned I lack patience also? I think about painting then this voice tells me why bother.

I have to snap out of this before I get to deep I'm well aware. I remind myself of: warm days on Macmahan island, landscaping by the ocean, walks along the beach, ice cream cones melting in my hand, friends that I haven't seen in months. I remind myself to be hopeful for the future- winter doesn't last forever- and there are always things ahead to look forward to.


A poem I wrote this morning:

"Alarmed by the shadow of movement on the wall.
I realized it was just my reflection-
This did not comfort me as it should."

Thanksgiving recap and a little Poem.

Thanksgiving has come and gone- I barely remember it because it was filled with such hectic scheduling and lots of family and food. Spent some time with my family that I haven't seen in months...and then headed up the road an hour to Ellery's familys thanksgiving.
Pie contests at both- I came in second (a triple layer Chocolate Cheesecake beat me out!) with my Pecan/Pumpkin/Cream Cheese Pie. And there was no determined winner at Ellery's.

After all the crazyness with Thanksgiving weekend (including a funeral-more on that later) I declare that I will not get stressed out about Christmas- and have already finished most of my shopping in hopes that I can go down to my parents for Christmas Eve/Day and just enjoy my family (until they drive me insane:))


I leave you with my first attempt at some poetry--My brain works to much when it's just me in the bakery in the morning and I get a ten minute break to eat some oatmeal or a muffin:

An Ode to a Tree Better off left alone~

5:30 Am.

I sit starting through the glass of the bakery window at the White Light decorated Bare Trees outside.
Leaves gone. Color gone. So we replace it with Artificial color.
Does the tree feel better about itself now? Or would it rather be resting? Now maybe it feels like it must put on a show: "Look at Me!" "Look at Me!" it's forced to shout.
When it would rather be quiet and bare for a few months until Spring when buds will appear like tiny flowers all over it's thought to be life-less body.