Dear Sallie Mae- Please take my diploma

Dear Sallie Mae-

I have been involved with you for the last 9 years, when I turned 18 I was young, uninformed, and desperate to get a college education. Knowing that my parents were not able to help me out in any way financially I took it upon myself to find a way to pay for college- I took out Private Loans through you after taking out all I could in Federal Loans. I wish I had known then what I know now.
Over the course of the last 9 years you have caused me unbelievable frustration and anxiety. I had absolutely no idea that I would be asked to pay up to $900 a month for student loans; all on a college graduate salary of around 10-12$/hour. After Rent, Food Bills, Phone, Car Payments etc- paying $100 was the most I was able to come up with. I Deferred loans, I applied for economic hardship, etc etc....each time costing me 250$ in fees. 2 Years ago my loans went into Default.
I wish I could say I have a plan on how to pay you back- I am not looking to "screw the system" I'm looking to make a life for myself that doesn't revolve around feeling guilty for every thing I do. I am scared of doing all major things in life thanks to you. Marriage, a family, getting a used car, going on a trips- these are all things that I have to worry about you taking away or hurting.
I'm writing because I am SO FRUSTRATED. I'm sick of the phone calls from 8am-9pm, I'm sick of being threatened that every paycheck will be taken away from me, and if I ever in fact "make it" with a small business etc, you will take it away.
I reached my breaking point today when one of your representatives told me "I was better off being unemployed with nothing, because at least you couldn't take my money than." I am a healthy, able-bodied 27 year old woman- I am able to work and when I do find work in the near future although I will be incredibly angry that my whole check is going to blood-suckers like you- at least I have something you cannot take away- My pride, and morals- something you so obviously lack.
You threaten me with court, and fines- but at this point I'm ready for it...please bring it on- please let it end, even if I'm bankrupt or a judge has sentenced me to pay 50$ a month I'm sure it will be a better negotiation than what you are offering...which is essentially my head on a platter.
Enclosed is a copy of my diploma- I wish I could give you back my education, so you would leave me alone. Let me be and let everyone else who is in my situation stop suffering- our only crime is wanting an education.

Sincerely,
Sarah Havener
Sedgwick, Maine

The Unemployment Woes.

I have been Unemployed for over 2 weeks now- which is not 100% true I suppose- I have gardened, gone lobstering, and cleaned houses off and on over these longgg few weeks.
Being Unemployed sucks. There is no better way to describe it. I wake up every morning trying to scheme up ways to make a buck in the middle of Maine, in the middle of a recession, at the beginning of winter.
Plus I'm picky- I'm sick of taking dead-end jobs that I hate. I realllllyyyyy want to be working for myself baking, or at least working in a decent bakery.
Every week I make myself a gigantic list of things that i can do around the house (since we just bought one the list is never ending.)- I have scraped, puttyed, and painted two rooms in two weeks. I do the grocery shopping, the cooking, most of the chores that we wouldn't be able to get done normally. However I still feel like a failure.
I am a college educated, 27 year old woman looking for work. How did this happen?? I feel like I can't fully blame it on the economy. I always take jobs that start in April and end at the end of October- because in Maine this is when there are a plethra of jobs! And they are my type of jobs- outside work, lobstering, physically exhausting jobs, or the one I really scored with this summer- breakfast chef/baker.
Oh well I'm just singing the woes- but I can't help it.
Schedule for today:
1. Coffee + Breakfast
2. Long walk with Tess
3. Garden (yay 2 hours of work!)
4. Work on Sarahndipity Pies
5. Harass potential local employers for work
6. Bake to ease Anxiety/Woes.

Okay I'm done whining....I would just like to give a shout-out to all unemployed people out there going through the same thing....it's hard and it takes a lot not to just start freaking out.

Here's to finding some work.
Sarah

Abstract Thoughts.

Sometimes I want to lay in a field.

I walk by this ridiculously beautiful field with my dog Tess about once a week. It has this little stream that runs through it that leads to the ocean....at the mouth of the stream there is this tiny little red cabin, that contrasts so amazingly with the deep blue water, and yellow/orange of the field this time of year. I imagine what the people in the cabin must do at night, huddled by a small wood stove or fire, enjoying a hot toddy or playing cards. I want to retire like this. Old, with Ellery somewhere beautiful.
Every time I walk by this field I want to just go to the dead center of it and lay down...I feel like this would be the most comfortable place, and the most relaxing to calm my anxious soul. Am I alone in this feeling?
I often have urges like this. I enter someones kitchen and it smells of spices or soup or homemade bread, and I want to sit right down at the table with a cup of coffee or tea and start up good conversation. Or walking by the deep blue ocean on a hot day- it's like I HAVE to jump in, to feel what the ocean is like on my skin.
Sometimes I just want to be a color. Green yellow grass. Dark black night with a fall breeze. Blue Green ocean on the lobster boat. White snow prints through a trail in the woods. Dark Chocolate Brown Cake.
These abstract thoughts take over my brain- they relax me when the weight of the world is on my back. I found myself on my cellphone today when i walked by that field.....I stopped I said I had to go to the person I was talking too.....I feel like in a lot of ways, the only ways I've grown up in the last few years is by appreciating views, and moments that are important. But that's got to be something right?