Safe travels little sister

By the time I post this my sister will be on her way in her Volkswagon making her decent from Friendship, ME to Portland, OR with many stops to see friends and places along the way.

I couldn’t be prouder and I couldn’t be more jealous.  I never did anything like this---after college and a few poorly timed relationships I finally met the love of my life and we made our own decent around the coast of Maine before settling into where we are now.  I always said I wanted to travel a bunch before I settled down but as is often the case it just didn’t happen.  I don’t have regrets, but I do have lust to do just as she is doing.  But life threw me other things. 

In the past few years the age gap between my sister and I and the life choices we have made seem gigantic.  I am the mother of a one year old boy, and a Stay at home mom who runs her own food wagon.  My sister got her masters in Social Work, made some kick ass friends in New Hampshire---and then decided she needed move.  I find myself full of animosity sometimes when I talk to her.  Her world is so different then mine…I always find myself rolling my eyes when she tells me she is so tired, or overworked, or stressed, or sad about a breakup, or doesn’t have money.  I find myself trying to defend my way of life to my 27 year old sister.  Which is really so silly.  We are so completely different although very much the same.

I will never be able to explain to her until she has her own (if she makes that choice) the way it feels to curl up so close to my baby boy as I try to get him to sleep.  How by holding his little hand and touching his head I feel complete.  How I never felt complete like this before.  How when he is sick, or sad It makes my heart hurt.  I will never be able to explain how I can simultaneously want to be around him all time time, but also crave my own time and space.  And the second I leave him I think about him.  How I never knew Love until I held his body in my arms the day he was born.  How I felt more whole as a woman when I pushed him out in my living room.  How I would give up my life in a second, for his.

She may never be able to explain to me how the wind feels as it hits her face as she makes her way across the borders.  How she feels free and satisfied and a bit scared.  How she appears brave and happy but sometimes feels lonely and sad.  But always excited.  She will never be able to explain to me the great food she eats across the way and the long lost friends she gets to hugs, and the strangers she will meet that can turn into life long friends.  She won’t be able to explain to me the adventure, and angst, and happiness, and every wonderful scary second of it. 

She won’t be able to explain it to me but I will try to feel all of it through her because is my sister.  And when she is driving me nutty texting to her new love interest, or best friend (who probably does understand her better than I do at the moment)…or she is typing in things like coffee shops in Portland, and dogs for adoption as I am busy researching baby stomach bugs, and posting pictures of his face all over facebook----I will remember that she is my baby sister.  That she has been my companion since she made her way into my life.  That I have watched her grow from this tiny tag along to this woman who makes people happy with her smile.  That as much as we are opposites we came from the same roots.

I will try to remind myself when I am feeling jealous and a bit annoyed that we have chosen different paths, and that is how it works.  That although we share a similar sense of humor, and basically a very similar set of morals that we don’t share all the same paths in life.  There will be days when I can barely manage to get a cup of coffee into me with a baby on my hip, and she is sipping coffee from some of the finest coffee shops in the world.  There will be days when she is walking around and missing this ocean, and my son and I will be staring out at it on one of our long walks.  There will be days when I miss her so intensely as my son does something amazing for the first time, or my Dad calls me with one of his crazy stories---something only I think she will appreciate.  I will miss her and I will wish her closer.  But I couldn’t be more proud, and I only wish that she thinks of us from time to time---her family over here on the East coast.  

On my birthday, a reflection

I wanted to write something about this year, because I think birthdays are a good time for reflection...I had this whole post down about how incredibly thankful I am and relating it to a hundred different things.  But then I was outside today with Alden after a particularly frustrating morning ....We are sitting in the green grass with Tess Dog beside us and  he sticks this whole clover flower in his mouth and at that instant this huge gust of wind came up and blew his crazy hair all over and threw the leaves of the trees back and forth.  He gets this look in his eyes this kid when he is trying to figure out something but amazed with it at the same time.  He concentrates so hard and can't stop staring...and then he looks at me for me to give him some sort of emotion back on how he should be feeling and I just smile, and he smiles and then looks back at the wind rustling the trees.  And my heart explodes and every single happy nerve cell in my body feels like that tree waving back and forth... all from this 19 lb being sitting on the grass in front of me.  That is my year right there.  There was all kinds of things that were hard, and so many that have been so great.  But Alden has helped to  remind me to chill out when I am frustrated and rediscover things I forgot about :  Wind, sand on feet, summers first berries, Pinwheels, happy dancing, how awesome his Dad is, how every human deserves a big smile, nature, how to be silly, and how to love rawly, truly, deeply without hesitation. 

I am 30 years old today, and I no longer  focus on how old I am but I just watch this boy growing every day and developing into this little creature with a huge attitude.  And I overflow with gratitude even on days when I want to pull my hair out because I am so overwhelmed.  World has been brighter for me since he arrived in the beginning of winter, and it truly has been the best 7.5 months of my life.

Senses and Patience

From you my little 19 week old boy I am learning what Patience is. 

This week you have learned how to screech, as loud as possible and very often.  You are also growing a tooth, and going through some sort of growth spurt.  A triple whammy if you will.  You are often grouchy, and even a bit angry with me at times, leaping in to try to gnaw on my face with this glint of fierceness in your eyes.  I find it amusing, your Dad on the other hand thinks I am teaching you bad habits.  Oh well.
You use to sleep on walks, but now you are all arms and legs and looking around.  Happy bouncy boy with cooing sounds one minute---screaming, slobbering, suddenly starving mess the next.  It makes it hard to walk with friends that don't have kids.  They don't make muzzles for babies---well I guess that is what a pacifer is, but you hate those.  Funny thing I seem to enjoy my walks more with you.  Even if you are a bit of a monster halfway through---I feel like I am taking things in through your eyes.  Its hard to imagine that this is the first time you have seen birds singing, snow melting, tess dog leaping through brown grass, ocean pounding on the shore. The first time you smell the awakening of the Earth beneath the mud, new piercing through the old, salty air, and soon enough flowers.  What it must be like to have everything so new. 
You want to touch everything, you think that everything should be tasted---Hands, cloths, The dog, floor, feet, spoons, cups....and you aren't even eating solid foods yet---just think what that will be like!
I thank you little man for letting me awaken my senses. For reminding me that we take for granted little things.  Thank you for being loud so that when the quiet comes it seems so nice but a bit sad because you aren't gurgling and talking.  Thank you for my lack of sleep because when I do doze off for those few hours my god they seem so nice...and when you wake me up with your thrashing about and wanting to nurse---even in my neediness of sleep I can't help but think how beautiful you are.  Thank you my darling boy for teaching me what Patience is---there is no longer a running out the door in a hurry, meals must wait, I won't cut you off from nursing early just to make it somewhere on time---which gives me a few minutes to take in our surrondings.  Like today when I sat on the beach with you while you ate and I watched Tess Dog wade around in the ocean---I watched the sun reflect off your face and I could feel the warmth of it on your head and thought that must feel nice for you-- because it felt so wonderful for me to watch you---to think of every new thing you will be taking in as Spring begins and you get to take in the world, and I get to take it in all over again through your eyes.

12 weeks today

12 weeks today.  And it seems like forever and not very long all at once.  I am looking at you in your car seat sleeping---and you keep trying to wake up and I keep trying to keep you asleep just so I can have a few minutes to myself---but at the same time I want you awake because I just adore your company.  This seems to be the theme of being a mom.  Needing some down time, but this intense love and wanting to be with you every second.

The way you have changed in the last few months is crazy.  I have watched you develop from this little adorable blob with no head control, no recognition besides instinctual to your surrounding and other people---to this incredible smiling, cooing, arms and legs flailing little person.  It’s crazy/scary how much you change every day.  What is even more crazy/scary is how much more I love you every day.

Sometimes when I take you out because I so desperately need some human interaction---I look at you there in your little car seat so small.  And I think---that is my whole world right there.  That is my whole world in this little seat.  And I get so scared of any harm coming to you---I get so scared that I could drop you, or a car could hit us, or even someone could sneeze on you and make you sick.  It makes me completely overwhelmed and I literally have to tell myself that I can’t protect you from everything, and that I shouldn’t protect you from everything.  I have to stop myself from crying when you cry.  Because your cry has a way of tearing at my soul…and so does your smile.  Your smile could move mountains little man….I look at you smiling and talking to someone and I just think my god you are so incredible.  How did I make something so incredible?  How did I get so lucky?

I think of your journey into this world a lot.  I think of you being born in our living room with the help of so many warm and wonderful women, and with your amazing fathers support.  I think of how when I met you it’s like I knew you all along. It’s like I had been waiting for you my entire life.  And when you were handed to me I felt whole.  I felt like everything was unimportant except for you, me, and your father.  The world could fall down, and we could lose everything---but all I needed was contained in that room.

I give up sleep, my body, eating meals alone, reading, naps, and being able to spend long amounts of time with your Dad.  It’s all frustrating…but let me tell you something.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I would go without sleep, or eating, or the daily comforts of life just to have you.  I would do everything all over---I would deal with loss and grief, and being pregnant, and mental illness during pregnancy if the end result was always you. 

I feel a magnetic pull towards you.  When I am in the shower and I get 20 mins of being alone---which I so desperately need that I could cry out when I see your dad pull into the driveway.  When I have had you attached to me for 20 something hours and I just want to go shut the door to the bathroom, grab a snack and cry and laugh at the same time.  I hear you shout out and it takes literally all of myself to stay where I am.  I want to go comfort you; I never want you to have to be sad or angry.  I want to take every ounce of your hurt and just let you be a smiling happy boy.  I have to remind myself sometimes to take care of me.  Because all I want to do is take care of you.  I swear I could hear your cry from a million miles away. 

Here I sit watching you smile in your sleep.  Here I sit trying to get into words what has been floating around in my head since you were born.  What so many mothers feel.  I feel exhausted from how much I love you.  But the best kind of exhaustion.  I love you little one.