my babies.
This is a dark topic to write about to you, at age 3.5 and 8mo the only real sadness you feel is when you can't get your way or you get hurt. But I am writing this for you later on in life when things feel a bit heavier at times.
May you never feel helpless my boys. There's times when things will happen to you- a girl or (maybe a boy?) will break your heart, you will lose a loved one, a job, make a few mistakes In a row and things will feel damn heavy. Do not feel helpless, you are not alone.
You see my boys I've struggled with my mental health as far back as I can remember- there had honestly been times when it seemed everyone would be better off without me, I often thought how my panic would be gone, my anxiety gone. But then I thought of not seeing the ocean, not watching my dad haul traps, my husband laugh, or most of all I would have never know you- or watch you grow.
As your mama I want to take any hurt and put into my self and watch it disolve. I never want you to feel hurt or pain or sadness. I know some of it is life. But my boys please don't ever feel so sad that you think the world is better off without you in it. Because somewhere someone loves you- and you my boys will always be loved by me- fiercely, intensely, and forever. Think of your favorite place, your favorite human, anything and then call me. For I and so many others would drive a million miles and hold your hand all night in silence to help you see the light.
I know the darkness my boys, Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and I see a spinning hole that goes down and down and nothing seems right and nothing seems good and nothing seems to help me out. Then I watch you boys laughing at each other- I go outside and breath air- look at the sea and get my bearings. It never is as bad as your brain can make it seem.
One more thing- ask for help. No one likes to do it, and you may feel like your weak--- but my god your not. Your the strongest for asking and admitting. Ther s no shame in it. And there's people who are willing and angels and happy to.
I hope you never feel dispair. I hope that you live the fullest of lives, and when things get rough you can see far enough ahead to keep going. My babies I can't keep your protected forever but I can promise I'll always love you, see the best in you, and Let you know it. I love you both so much.
Love
Mama
Thank you, Sarah, for posting this. You are the best of what s so authentic in life: no matter your pain or life experiences, your heart and love shines through. The saving grace in your boys' lives will be that they are loved so deeply and fully that they will never have a second of doubt that they were seen for the full people that they ARE, whatever that turns out to be, for them both, whatever they choose. And that's the most enduring and true love that they will carry with them forever, in every moment of doubt, in every dark night of the soul that (we know!) life will bring them. I've come to understand that that's the saving grace in life: to be seen and loved for it all. All my love to you! For all your doubts, for all your attention to every detail, your worries about raising these beautiful men and how each day will shape them: love. They will never know a second of doubt about that. It has made all the difference in my children's lives, I know. And your boys will grow with that knowledge in their hearts: they were seen and loved. Well done, my dear <3
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