The View from the bottom

I am not going to lie- things have really sucked this February (see previous post.). I have had a really hard time digging myself out of this hole of dispair. When I wake up in the morning I have this sudden excitement that perhaps I just dreamt it all and that things are okay.... or maybe it's not that at all...maybe these sudden waves of hope are just that...Hope. Hope that things will get better and it won't always feel this heavy on my chest.
I know what depression feels like- I have felt it before laying on my heart, washing over my body....the sudden sense of things un-right, or not knowing if it will get better. The all consuming feeling of worthlessness, and self-pity. I have fought against this for years, I have fought against anxiety-- the panic in my body that I can't fix something, that I have lost control. I fight and I lose, but most of the time I fight and I win.
I got a call from a friend this morning that brightened my day-- news of an engagement. A perfect one at that. And it almost brought me to tears because I know things can go on...I know that as sad as I feel right now about my situation that those I love still can feel happiness, and I am not so far gone as to not feel intense happiness for them.
When I am down I think of the following three things perhaps not in this order:

1. Being on the lobsterboat with my Dad (even though I don't get out there as much as I would like too)... the ocean, the sights, the trap breaking up from the deep green/blue water... and my dad talking to me between traps, or not talking and there is just this great comfortable silence. That we are both out there doing what we love to do. In my mind this is how I calm down sometimes...I picture us both out there- and between the thoughts of my dad and the ocean I can calm down.

2. Baking- To quote Julie and Julia:

"I love that after a day when nothing is sure, and when I say 'nothing' I mean nothing, you can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It's such a comfort."

I feel like I'm doing something useful... like at the end of the day if I did nothing else besides bake a chocolate cake at least I accomplished that! And what is better than seeing someone enjoy something you created? I am grateful that I finally figured out what I love to do.

3.My husband. When I am down I always think of Ellery and I laughing or enjoying a good conversation. Be it marching in the living room, or taking a long walk with Tess dog down a beautiful road. It does something to comfort my troubled soul to know that I am married to this incredible human being. That I met someone that makes me feel like I am worth all the trouble.

I ask people this today- Ask someone how they are doing and mean it today.... you never know what people are going through. You never know how they are actually doing. I am very lucky to have people in my life who I can turn too. Listening is a gift anyone can give and it means so much to people who need it.