Thankful

A thankful reminder.

It's hard this time of year with the changing of seasons, with the teasing of the bitter cold mixed with 50 degree days. The lack of light, the hibernating anxious self trying to take over. I think being so close to Thanksgiving it's time for a reminder of what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for:

My husband for being my constant companion and best friend. For putting up with me and dealing with my many moods. For remaining a bright light in the darkest days...for dealing with me when I can't sleep at night by reminding me I will eventually fall asleep and the world will not end if I don't. For calming my nerves by his general presence....for not knowing how deeply and truly I love him and how amazing a person he is. In this same breath I think I should thank my In-laws for raising him right....and providing me with this person who feels like the other half of my soul.

I am thankful for:

My family who knows the past and present me. Who is proud of my everyday accomplishments, and brags about them like they are a big deal. Who can tell by the sound of my voice over the phone if I am upset or happy. Who deal with my sometimes non-lovable self, and know that I love them even if I am not the hugging or emotional type. I am thankful for my family for being IMPERFECT. For teaching me that Normal is boring, and showing me to always be kind to others because you never know what they are going through. Thank you Dad, Mom, and Ash.

I am thankful for:

The different  friends in my life near and far who have been there for me through different walks of life. Such a varied group of personality’s that all fill those tiny chapters and who have been there for me through different events and times be it with a kind word, a knowing glance, tear-filled phone call, or a walk as I sort out my mind. I thank you.

I am thankful for:

My animals for providing a constant source of entertainment and hard work. From my obese cat, my neurotic dog, and my 8 egg laying chickens--- I always have something to do and some creature to fuss over and love.

I am thankful for:

Hands that have learned how to roll pie dough, bake cakes, get covered in flour and chocolate and butter and love every minute of it. I thank my Mother, Maam, and my Nanny Havener for teaching me how to cook and enjoy it.

I am thankful for:

The roof over my head, the shoes on my feet, a job that pays the bills, the food in my pantry, and the fire in my wood stove. Such everyday things that not everyone has....I am thankful that I am lucky enough to have these simple pleasures.

I am thankful for:

Everyday occurrences that I take for granted sometimes.... The kindness of strangers, the vast deep blue ocean, hot coffee on a cold day, fresh baked bread, bright green fields, snowy covered branches, a long walk with my dog, and the knowing that these things are what make me happy.

What I learn from my dog

I will admit that I am not the most loved human in my dog's eyes. I am the second human, the one that feeds, and scolds, but goes on big walks in any type of weather. This makes me respectable, and at times exciting but Tess (dog) doesn’t stare out a window looking for me to come home like she does with Ellery. She doesn’t throw herself at my feet and paw me to death when I jump out of the car. But this is okay with me. My friend Claire said that Tess and I have a mutual understanding of one another--- a respect that goes both ways.

My husband says that Tess and I are exactly alike- we are both moody and prone to extreme highs and lows. As long as we are both doing something exciting or moving around we are very happy and easy going....but as soon as either of us stops and its time for just being at home for a long period of time, we go into some sort of funk. Either falling asleep or glaring eyes at passersby....Waiting for the next event like meal time or a walk or car ride.

However (and I am fully aware that I am comparing my moods and self to a four legged animal)....Tess is more of an extrovert where I am not. When we are walking down the street she cannot help but throw herself at the nearest human even if they show absolutely no sign of wanting to pat her. She thinks everyone is her friend and I am pretty sure she would follow the next willing participant home. Even though she feels intense guilt for disobeying her humans and charging nose first into the persons crotch....she can't help herself. She just wants to be loved! However give her a dog walking by and she goes crazy....she wants nothing to do with the dog for several minutes. Maybe we are more alike than I think....put me in a room with animals and I am very happy...but put me in a room with my own species and I have no idea how to act but awkward.

I will never understand people who don't love dogs-- even though I am more of a cat person ( I like that they choose when they want to hang out with you)....watching my husband with Tess dog is one of the highlights of my day. Sometimes I even find myself getting jealous watching how much fun they are having together- running around the yard at full speeds kicking up sticks and leaves and narrowly avoiding my garden.

We choose the morose puppy when we picked Tess from the litter...and I am very glad we got her out of all the other little whining black and brown lumps.

She is my fearless walking partner through sun, snow, and rain... she is a protector at night when Ellery is gone for an evening. She teaches me to be a bit more social. And she motivates me to push myself a little bit more on walks. And most of all she teaches me to be excited at the little things in life--- like how great a large field is...I watch her sneaking over to the field and throwing herself backwards onto the cold ground...rolling back and forth in complete happiness.

After a late summer storm.....

I walked along the rain drenched road after a late summer storm...trusty black lab by my side. My thoughts started to wonder about baking and businesses and family....Started out so simply with a new pie idea as I walked casually along...the road got darker thick with woods...I spotted a dead snake and a smushed frog.. and just like that my mind took off to some cold recess of my mind.

I started to think of things lost and things not finished. I moped about until there it was.... the beautiful ocean around the bend.

My mood improved but not totally.....Sometimes when I see things so beautiful like an old white farmhouse in a huge field with bright yellow flowers I get so completely overtaken with a cross of sadness and happiness. I started to get that oh so familiar feeling of ease and unease or feeling happy in my skin and wanting to crawl out of it all at once...loving where I am and wanting to be somewhere else.

I started missing...and I think its always a someone but its not...its a combination of every person I miss...every person I miss along my walk of life...

And you all start walking beside me in this long line that spreads across the rain soaked road, and up into the woods and down to the beach....we all are silent and just look at one another, and look at the water and nod in approval.....And I begin to feel comforted by this...that everyone is with me but I don't have to talk...that you are all there beside me...all enjoying this beautiful state even if you are not in it....

I walk around the bend and I see this field full of flowers starting to fade and bright bushes and thick with thorns, with the ocean peaking out in the distance...and then suddenly everyone is gone and I realize this is it. This is how I feel so often...like a thicket overlooking the water....bright and colorful but dark and lost...

Reflecting on 27

I woke up this morning and realized I was panicking a little. I don't remember doing this when I turned any other age and I am not really sure why it has hit me so hard this year. It's not a big birthday---it's just 28... I think I just needed a minute to reflect on the year because it seems to have been such a crazy one and I don't feel like I should let age 27 escape without writing out a few things that really affected my life this past 12 months.

Reflection:

This year has been full of extreme highs and lows- sort of a bi-polar year. I married Ellery in September and I think this has been the biggest highlight of my life so far. As I have said many times I am blessed to wake up everyday to my best friend. He loves me through every mood, every season, every high and every low. He thinks I am charming and beautiful even when I know I am not acting as either. I am so incredibly lucky. He also has been there for me through every extreme this year--- and I don't know how I would of made it without his patience, love, and understanding.

Even in my lowest point this year I was very much aware of how lucky I am just to have who I have in my life. A major shout out to my family including my sister who jumped in the car at a drop of a dime and drove 3 hours to sit with me, my mom who cooked and cleaned and listened to me, and my dad who stood by my side even if he didn’t know what to say. Another extreme thank you goes out to: Brooke Poland, Crystal Gamet, Devin Finigan and Heather Albert-Knopp. You all listened to me over and over again and helped me work through my sadness/frustration. You are the very definition of Friendship.

I am thankful to have the support of the community while Starting up SARAHNDIPITY PIES AND BAKED GOODS this year. I thank each person who has bought a pie, cake, quiche, etc and passed along the word. And thanks again to my husband who has run to the store or done massive amts of dishes during a baking induced panic attack. I am looking forward to the future of my business.

All and all I am happy to survive this year (after all many famous people have not) and look back on it feeling stronger and knowing myself a bit better

In the Morning Fog

I want the Fog to engulf me---to take me in with it's mini cool hands---scoop me up and carry me to a clearing on a small island all my own.

Leave me there and then slowly disappear—but not so fast that I lose the close comfort of it. Like a thick blanket against the cold.

I want first only to see an inch in front of me. Enough to guess what's beyond. Then slowly inch by inch I would watch it creep away—or perhaps it would just be me growing accustomed to it. Like your intense eyes against a solid dark night.

I would talk to the Fog—in a voice thick and wet like itself. We wouldn't talk about things like the weather because that would be too obvious. Perhaps we would have rich conversation, we would talk about souls lost in its depths. Fishermen, sailors--- lost at sea. The words they spoke into the fog and then to the ocean as they passed from this world.

In the fog I was expressionless...or perhaps I was not? Every feeling was all my own with no one to share with but the fog. My grief was just my grief and only I and it knew. The fog weighed so heavy on my chest that when it finally lifted...taken away by the too bright sun...it was like saying good bye to a friend. I was sad but lighter...it took my pain with it. It took my pain onto itself until the next time we meet. Leaving me both thankful for it but scared and worried for future visits.

WHO R U- Mark Havener

An Ode to my Father:

If you know me than you know that my father is my idol. Since I can remember I have always held him on this pedestal---which is so deserved.

My dad has done everything awesome a dad could do times one billion without losing himself in the process. He coached tee-ball, little-league, helped me with any sport I was interested...and then when I proved to not really be a leader in terms of sports he supported me in anything else I wanted to take on. He just always wanted my sister and I to be interested in something passionately...although he would never say this of course.

My dad is passionate, but not in that sappy way that you would think. He is a lobsterman after all and like most lobsterman I know they want to keep appearances with their hard, rough exterior and keep their heart off of their sleeves. (news flash- watch any lobsterman with a daughter or any tough Maine guy in general and throw a daughter at them and watch them fall to pieces.)

Watching my dad as I grew up I wanted to do anything that he did- especially go out on the boat with him. I loved watching the traps come up and how he would get excited to show me certain creatures like: lumpfish, over-sized lobsters, hermit crabs. I suppose this is why I developed enough love for the ocean that I thought I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. My father was really and still is really into the fact that I have a degree in Marine Biology--- however my life has taken a different path and I made the switch from that to Baking. Some may find it weird but I don't. I always grew up with my dad who pursued what he wanted to do over making lots of money or doing something he didn't like. I just followed suite. I found my calling in breads, pies, and cakes- where as he found his in lobsters and the sea. It took him awhile to get over it, but I think he gets it now (plus I also inherited my sweet tooth from him so it's really his fault anyway.).

Being on the boat with my father always calmed me and it still does when I am freaking out--- I just think of being out there with him with the dark blue ocean and the green island and watching the colorful traps breaking through the waves and I just become at ease. We would/do talk about everything and nothing and there is never those awkward silences...there's just us and work and damn hard work at that. I am so incredibly proud of my father for what he does.

I could go on and on about my dad and all the reasons that he is so great.... but really it comes down to this: My dad will do anything for anyone without even thinking. He is quick to lend a hand, he feels bad for those less fortunate then himself, he will work himself to death before he will ask for help, or say no to someone who needs help...

For every quality/personality quirk that I see in myself or in my sister I think of him. The dry, sarcastic sense of humor, the quick wit, the anxiety ridden worry about small things, the instilled sense of hard work and equally as much play, the love of being alone- but also the love of being with good people, appreciation and love for the ocean and the overly big heart that gets us in trouble.

He is a good person, who has just as many if not more flaws than all the rest of us. He is not perfect, and he is not normal and that is why I adore him. He said to my sister once: “Why would you want to be normal, everyone is normal?” I can't say enough, or even to him how much he means to my sister and I and everyone who meets him. He may not have everything he every wanted out of this world but he has two daughters who can't picture what it would be like to not have him around, who worry about him on a continuous basis, and who love him.. every flaw and everything wonderful about him.

So on this father's day (which he thinks is a ridiculous holiday)- I would just like to thank the powers that be for letting him be Ash and I's father. We truly lucked out. And in the word's of Mark Havener :”That's Golden.”

A short rant on why I love where I live.

Loving where i live- a short version.

--- I have just come from THE CAVE in Brooklin where I drank an awesome Iced Cappuccino (BUCKLYN COFFEE) while chatting with the "locals" and picking up some cheese and amazing bread (TINDERHEARTH).  My husband met me there and we went and checked out a freezer I need for my SARAHNDIPITY baked goods business....which I just happened to come across after posting a need for one on facebook---literally one minute went by and Molly (MOLLY BLAKE designs) said she knew of one.
I decided to take my dog for a walk and pick up some local sausage that a farmer had waiting for me in his freezer (POLAND FAMILY FARM)...
So in the course of an hour I had local coffee, picked up local bread, found a freezer, and picked up some fabulous local sausage.  
It really hit me today: I love where I live.  Funny thing is I fought so hard to not move here.  When my husband (boyfriend at the time) announced that he needed to move up here because he was becoming partner at his job boat building (D.N HYLAN and Associates)-- I didn't take it very well.  We had lived in Blue Hill for a year and a half before I couldn't take it anymore and begged to move to the mid-coast--- after another year and half of living in Wiscasset (to busy) and Belfast (loved...but to far) we bought a house and moved to Sedgwick.

I feel almost silly for fighting so hard against it at the time.  I am seriously surrounded by some of the most beautiful towns in Maine.
 Brooksville is 5 minutes from us--- it is full of green gorgeous fields and creeks and old farmhouses.  Deer Isle is another 5-10 minutes-- more farmhouses but set next to the backdrop of the dark blue ocean--keep going and you come to Stonington--- a photographers dream---Lobster boats everywhere and even a small town--- and it hosts the biggest farmers market in Maine!
Brooklin is about 15 minutes from us- and has some of the best walks in the area--- Neskeaq, Carter's Point (technically Sedgwick but close enough), plus boatyards and a pub!  Blue Hill is also lovely with an awesome library and co-op.  And don't get me started on Cape Rosier/Harborside...I could buy a shack there in a huge field by the water and be happy for the rest of my life....plus you have FOUR SEASONS FARM right there...all the fresh produce you could ever want.

Sometimes in the middle of the winter when there is a foot of snow on the ground, I am partially unemployed and haven't seen a soul besides my husband in days I do dream of far away warm places with people.  But as soon as the first patch of green grass starts and the days become warmer and there is boat rides, and long walks, and wine on the grass outside, and the people start coming out of hibernation I am quickly reminded of why I live here.  I am so incredibly lucky to live in this community-- people are helpful and kind and being the "foodie" that I am- I am in paradise.  I don't have to wonder where my food is coming from in these warm months--- I get to shake hands with the farmer or artisan that prepared them for me.  I am lucky and look forward to spending my life here.  Now please remind me of this in February:).