A winter morning's hour

In the soft glow of the morning sunrise I felt content.

I trudged through the crunchy grass on this mid-December day to take care of the animals....the chickens feathers all frosty from the cold night....released from their coop they take off in flight to stretch their wings....

Returning to the house with my black lab bounding in great morning happy leaps...in anticipation of a walk in the next few hours.

Brewing my morning coffee with a frothy top with crunchy sugar squares...throw some toast in the oven and check out what's going on in the world outside of my world.

It's a perfect hour...and I wish all hours could be like this...relaxed with great hope for the day.

Thankful

A thankful reminder.

It's hard this time of year with the changing of seasons, with the teasing of the bitter cold mixed with 50 degree days. The lack of light, the hibernating anxious self trying to take over. I think being so close to Thanksgiving it's time for a reminder of what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for:

My husband for being my constant companion and best friend. For putting up with me and dealing with my many moods. For remaining a bright light in the darkest days...for dealing with me when I can't sleep at night by reminding me I will eventually fall asleep and the world will not end if I don't. For calming my nerves by his general presence....for not knowing how deeply and truly I love him and how amazing a person he is. In this same breath I think I should thank my In-laws for raising him right....and providing me with this person who feels like the other half of my soul.

I am thankful for:

My family who knows the past and present me. Who is proud of my everyday accomplishments, and brags about them like they are a big deal. Who can tell by the sound of my voice over the phone if I am upset or happy. Who deal with my sometimes non-lovable self, and know that I love them even if I am not the hugging or emotional type. I am thankful for my family for being IMPERFECT. For teaching me that Normal is boring, and showing me to always be kind to others because you never know what they are going through. Thank you Dad, Mom, and Ash.

I am thankful for:

The different  friends in my life near and far who have been there for me through different walks of life. Such a varied group of personality’s that all fill those tiny chapters and who have been there for me through different events and times be it with a kind word, a knowing glance, tear-filled phone call, or a walk as I sort out my mind. I thank you.

I am thankful for:

My animals for providing a constant source of entertainment and hard work. From my obese cat, my neurotic dog, and my 8 egg laying chickens--- I always have something to do and some creature to fuss over and love.

I am thankful for:

Hands that have learned how to roll pie dough, bake cakes, get covered in flour and chocolate and butter and love every minute of it. I thank my Mother, Maam, and my Nanny Havener for teaching me how to cook and enjoy it.

I am thankful for:

The roof over my head, the shoes on my feet, a job that pays the bills, the food in my pantry, and the fire in my wood stove. Such everyday things that not everyone has....I am thankful that I am lucky enough to have these simple pleasures.

I am thankful for:

Everyday occurrences that I take for granted sometimes.... The kindness of strangers, the vast deep blue ocean, hot coffee on a cold day, fresh baked bread, bright green fields, snowy covered branches, a long walk with my dog, and the knowing that these things are what make me happy.

What I learn from my dog

I will admit that I am not the most loved human in my dog's eyes. I am the second human, the one that feeds, and scolds, but goes on big walks in any type of weather. This makes me respectable, and at times exciting but Tess (dog) doesn’t stare out a window looking for me to come home like she does with Ellery. She doesn’t throw herself at my feet and paw me to death when I jump out of the car. But this is okay with me. My friend Claire said that Tess and I have a mutual understanding of one another--- a respect that goes both ways.

My husband says that Tess and I are exactly alike- we are both moody and prone to extreme highs and lows. As long as we are both doing something exciting or moving around we are very happy and easy going....but as soon as either of us stops and its time for just being at home for a long period of time, we go into some sort of funk. Either falling asleep or glaring eyes at passersby....Waiting for the next event like meal time or a walk or car ride.

However (and I am fully aware that I am comparing my moods and self to a four legged animal)....Tess is more of an extrovert where I am not. When we are walking down the street she cannot help but throw herself at the nearest human even if they show absolutely no sign of wanting to pat her. She thinks everyone is her friend and I am pretty sure she would follow the next willing participant home. Even though she feels intense guilt for disobeying her humans and charging nose first into the persons crotch....she can't help herself. She just wants to be loved! However give her a dog walking by and she goes crazy....she wants nothing to do with the dog for several minutes. Maybe we are more alike than I think....put me in a room with animals and I am very happy...but put me in a room with my own species and I have no idea how to act but awkward.

I will never understand people who don't love dogs-- even though I am more of a cat person ( I like that they choose when they want to hang out with you)....watching my husband with Tess dog is one of the highlights of my day. Sometimes I even find myself getting jealous watching how much fun they are having together- running around the yard at full speeds kicking up sticks and leaves and narrowly avoiding my garden.

We choose the morose puppy when we picked Tess from the litter...and I am very glad we got her out of all the other little whining black and brown lumps.

She is my fearless walking partner through sun, snow, and rain... she is a protector at night when Ellery is gone for an evening. She teaches me to be a bit more social. And she motivates me to push myself a little bit more on walks. And most of all she teaches me to be excited at the little things in life--- like how great a large field is...I watch her sneaking over to the field and throwing herself backwards onto the cold ground...rolling back and forth in complete happiness.

After a late summer storm.....

I walked along the rain drenched road after a late summer storm...trusty black lab by my side. My thoughts started to wonder about baking and businesses and family....Started out so simply with a new pie idea as I walked casually along...the road got darker thick with woods...I spotted a dead snake and a smushed frog.. and just like that my mind took off to some cold recess of my mind.

I started to think of things lost and things not finished. I moped about until there it was.... the beautiful ocean around the bend.

My mood improved but not totally.....Sometimes when I see things so beautiful like an old white farmhouse in a huge field with bright yellow flowers I get so completely overtaken with a cross of sadness and happiness. I started to get that oh so familiar feeling of ease and unease or feeling happy in my skin and wanting to crawl out of it all at once...loving where I am and wanting to be somewhere else.

I started missing...and I think its always a someone but its not...its a combination of every person I miss...every person I miss along my walk of life...

And you all start walking beside me in this long line that spreads across the rain soaked road, and up into the woods and down to the beach....we all are silent and just look at one another, and look at the water and nod in approval.....And I begin to feel comforted by this...that everyone is with me but I don't have to talk...that you are all there beside me...all enjoying this beautiful state even if you are not in it....

I walk around the bend and I see this field full of flowers starting to fade and bright bushes and thick with thorns, with the ocean peaking out in the distance...and then suddenly everyone is gone and I realize this is it. This is how I feel so often...like a thicket overlooking the water....bright and colorful but dark and lost...

Reflecting on 27

I woke up this morning and realized I was panicking a little. I don't remember doing this when I turned any other age and I am not really sure why it has hit me so hard this year. It's not a big birthday---it's just 28... I think I just needed a minute to reflect on the year because it seems to have been such a crazy one and I don't feel like I should let age 27 escape without writing out a few things that really affected my life this past 12 months.

Reflection:

This year has been full of extreme highs and lows- sort of a bi-polar year. I married Ellery in September and I think this has been the biggest highlight of my life so far. As I have said many times I am blessed to wake up everyday to my best friend. He loves me through every mood, every season, every high and every low. He thinks I am charming and beautiful even when I know I am not acting as either. I am so incredibly lucky. He also has been there for me through every extreme this year--- and I don't know how I would of made it without his patience, love, and understanding.

Even in my lowest point this year I was very much aware of how lucky I am just to have who I have in my life. A major shout out to my family including my sister who jumped in the car at a drop of a dime and drove 3 hours to sit with me, my mom who cooked and cleaned and listened to me, and my dad who stood by my side even if he didn’t know what to say. Another extreme thank you goes out to: Brooke Poland, Crystal Gamet, Devin Finigan and Heather Albert-Knopp. You all listened to me over and over again and helped me work through my sadness/frustration. You are the very definition of Friendship.

I am thankful to have the support of the community while Starting up SARAHNDIPITY PIES AND BAKED GOODS this year. I thank each person who has bought a pie, cake, quiche, etc and passed along the word. And thanks again to my husband who has run to the store or done massive amts of dishes during a baking induced panic attack. I am looking forward to the future of my business.

All and all I am happy to survive this year (after all many famous people have not) and look back on it feeling stronger and knowing myself a bit better

In the Morning Fog

I want the Fog to engulf me---to take me in with it's mini cool hands---scoop me up and carry me to a clearing on a small island all my own.

Leave me there and then slowly disappear—but not so fast that I lose the close comfort of it. Like a thick blanket against the cold.

I want first only to see an inch in front of me. Enough to guess what's beyond. Then slowly inch by inch I would watch it creep away—or perhaps it would just be me growing accustomed to it. Like your intense eyes against a solid dark night.

I would talk to the Fog—in a voice thick and wet like itself. We wouldn't talk about things like the weather because that would be too obvious. Perhaps we would have rich conversation, we would talk about souls lost in its depths. Fishermen, sailors--- lost at sea. The words they spoke into the fog and then to the ocean as they passed from this world.

In the fog I was expressionless...or perhaps I was not? Every feeling was all my own with no one to share with but the fog. My grief was just my grief and only I and it knew. The fog weighed so heavy on my chest that when it finally lifted...taken away by the too bright sun...it was like saying good bye to a friend. I was sad but lighter...it took my pain with it. It took my pain onto itself until the next time we meet. Leaving me both thankful for it but scared and worried for future visits.

WHO R U- Mark Havener

An Ode to my Father:

If you know me than you know that my father is my idol. Since I can remember I have always held him on this pedestal---which is so deserved.

My dad has done everything awesome a dad could do times one billion without losing himself in the process. He coached tee-ball, little-league, helped me with any sport I was interested...and then when I proved to not really be a leader in terms of sports he supported me in anything else I wanted to take on. He just always wanted my sister and I to be interested in something passionately...although he would never say this of course.

My dad is passionate, but not in that sappy way that you would think. He is a lobsterman after all and like most lobsterman I know they want to keep appearances with their hard, rough exterior and keep their heart off of their sleeves. (news flash- watch any lobsterman with a daughter or any tough Maine guy in general and throw a daughter at them and watch them fall to pieces.)

Watching my dad as I grew up I wanted to do anything that he did- especially go out on the boat with him. I loved watching the traps come up and how he would get excited to show me certain creatures like: lumpfish, over-sized lobsters, hermit crabs. I suppose this is why I developed enough love for the ocean that I thought I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. My father was really and still is really into the fact that I have a degree in Marine Biology--- however my life has taken a different path and I made the switch from that to Baking. Some may find it weird but I don't. I always grew up with my dad who pursued what he wanted to do over making lots of money or doing something he didn't like. I just followed suite. I found my calling in breads, pies, and cakes- where as he found his in lobsters and the sea. It took him awhile to get over it, but I think he gets it now (plus I also inherited my sweet tooth from him so it's really his fault anyway.).

Being on the boat with my father always calmed me and it still does when I am freaking out--- I just think of being out there with him with the dark blue ocean and the green island and watching the colorful traps breaking through the waves and I just become at ease. We would/do talk about everything and nothing and there is never those awkward silences...there's just us and work and damn hard work at that. I am so incredibly proud of my father for what he does.

I could go on and on about my dad and all the reasons that he is so great.... but really it comes down to this: My dad will do anything for anyone without even thinking. He is quick to lend a hand, he feels bad for those less fortunate then himself, he will work himself to death before he will ask for help, or say no to someone who needs help...

For every quality/personality quirk that I see in myself or in my sister I think of him. The dry, sarcastic sense of humor, the quick wit, the anxiety ridden worry about small things, the instilled sense of hard work and equally as much play, the love of being alone- but also the love of being with good people, appreciation and love for the ocean and the overly big heart that gets us in trouble.

He is a good person, who has just as many if not more flaws than all the rest of us. He is not perfect, and he is not normal and that is why I adore him. He said to my sister once: “Why would you want to be normal, everyone is normal?” I can't say enough, or even to him how much he means to my sister and I and everyone who meets him. He may not have everything he every wanted out of this world but he has two daughters who can't picture what it would be like to not have him around, who worry about him on a continuous basis, and who love him.. every flaw and everything wonderful about him.

So on this father's day (which he thinks is a ridiculous holiday)- I would just like to thank the powers that be for letting him be Ash and I's father. We truly lucked out. And in the word's of Mark Havener :”That's Golden.”

A short rant on why I love where I live.

Loving where i live- a short version.

--- I have just come from THE CAVE in Brooklin where I drank an awesome Iced Cappuccino (BUCKLYN COFFEE) while chatting with the "locals" and picking up some cheese and amazing bread (TINDERHEARTH).  My husband met me there and we went and checked out a freezer I need for my SARAHNDIPITY baked goods business....which I just happened to come across after posting a need for one on facebook---literally one minute went by and Molly (MOLLY BLAKE designs) said she knew of one.
I decided to take my dog for a walk and pick up some local sausage that a farmer had waiting for me in his freezer (POLAND FAMILY FARM)...
So in the course of an hour I had local coffee, picked up local bread, found a freezer, and picked up some fabulous local sausage.  
It really hit me today: I love where I live.  Funny thing is I fought so hard to not move here.  When my husband (boyfriend at the time) announced that he needed to move up here because he was becoming partner at his job boat building (D.N HYLAN and Associates)-- I didn't take it very well.  We had lived in Blue Hill for a year and a half before I couldn't take it anymore and begged to move to the mid-coast--- after another year and half of living in Wiscasset (to busy) and Belfast (loved...but to far) we bought a house and moved to Sedgwick.

I feel almost silly for fighting so hard against it at the time.  I am seriously surrounded by some of the most beautiful towns in Maine.
 Brooksville is 5 minutes from us--- it is full of green gorgeous fields and creeks and old farmhouses.  Deer Isle is another 5-10 minutes-- more farmhouses but set next to the backdrop of the dark blue ocean--keep going and you come to Stonington--- a photographers dream---Lobster boats everywhere and even a small town--- and it hosts the biggest farmers market in Maine!
Brooklin is about 15 minutes from us- and has some of the best walks in the area--- Neskeaq, Carter's Point (technically Sedgwick but close enough), plus boatyards and a pub!  Blue Hill is also lovely with an awesome library and co-op.  And don't get me started on Cape Rosier/Harborside...I could buy a shack there in a huge field by the water and be happy for the rest of my life....plus you have FOUR SEASONS FARM right there...all the fresh produce you could ever want.

Sometimes in the middle of the winter when there is a foot of snow on the ground, I am partially unemployed and haven't seen a soul besides my husband in days I do dream of far away warm places with people.  But as soon as the first patch of green grass starts and the days become warmer and there is boat rides, and long walks, and wine on the grass outside, and the people start coming out of hibernation I am quickly reminded of why I live here.  I am so incredibly lucky to live in this community-- people are helpful and kind and being the "foodie" that I am- I am in paradise.  I don't have to wonder where my food is coming from in these warm months--- I get to shake hands with the farmer or artisan that prepared them for me.  I am lucky and look forward to spending my life here.  Now please remind me of this in February:).

Lucky

Lucky.

The simple things

Morning:

Hearing my husband rustle around downstairs for work- talking to Tess-dog the whole time

Foamy milk on Coffee and a side of Homemade Toast in the morning

Listening to my chicks chirp away

A Long walk in a Beautiful place

Flowers blooming on our Apple Tree out back

Mid-Day:

Cooking/Baking away the day

The smells of homemade Pies and Bread

Watching ingredients turn into something beautiful

Watching someone else enjoy your product

A sense of accomplishment after physical work

A Short Nap in the sun after work

Evening/Night:

Watching our dog look out the window for Ellery to get home

A kiss/hug hello from Ellery

Walking to the stream behind our house before dinner, making plans for our backyard

A good dinner while recapping our day

Curling up by the woodstove (be it on or not) with a good book

A good night kiss and great dreams

Roadtrip to the South

Last day of March today. Feel like the end of winter has been a long time coming--- despite the fact that we have had it pretty easy weather wise. Nonetheless it still has been a completely mentally draining one. But things are on the up and up.

Ellery and I took a roadtrip down South March 19-26th. It took us about 2 days to get down there, and 3 days to get back....and amazingly we didn't kill each other in the car! Which if you knew how I act on long road trips you would find this to be some sort of miracle. (I have a tendency to bite, sing annoying loud songs, and ask several times if we are ever going to be there---pretty much I act like a small child.) But I held myself together- slept a lot and read while Ellery drove a great majority of the day.
We stopped in Virginia on the first real night of our drive (we stayed with Ellery's parents in Mass as a pit stop the night before) and stayed with our good friend Jack and his family. After 12 hours of riding in the car we were treated to immediately being thrown into shooting rifles and hand guns. I am not kidding on this...I was not, not allowed to shoot a gun. Mildly horrifying....but typical Jack. Plus it is very amusing looking back on. We also ate an amazing dinner, and then obviously followed it up with a fireworks show (what else?!).

Back on the road at 5am--- we started getting really excited to see green grass and brightly flowered trees. My brain didn't know how to react to all the color. It was like living in black and white for several months and then being thrown into a beautiful painting of sorts. Instantaneous mood lifter.
We made it into Georgia by lunch time--- where our stomachs immediately took over (this is always the case with me)--- we hit up a local lunch spot in the strangest little town of Darien. Where I had my first glass of Sweet Tea. Now I have probably one of the worlds largest sweet tooth's...but this was almost too much for me. They must have supersaturated the sugar in the water (thanks science classes at UNH!). I had one glass and felt like I could run circles around the table...actually i jumped up and down a bit but Ellery who was grumpy from the ride said to sit down...
We found some shrimp at a stand across from the restaurant. This big southern dude was selling them out of a cooler. I told him that our shrimp in Maine were much smaller-- and he mumbled that ours were like krill. But after tasting them later that night- I decided that Maine shrimp are 100000X more tasty. I do not like theirs at all!
After a few errands--- Ellery and I finally picked up our boat from a guy named Bubba (i think everyone is named Bubba down south)....and we cruised over to our island oasis.
The ride alone was amazing--- we saw bottlenosed dolphins, egrets, pelicans and a billion other birds. We went in and out of these amazing canals-- and we finally reached out cottage. I could not have been more happy with it. Right on the canal- had a great porch and boat house. We were in love.
It's possible that I have never been as relaxed- or seen Ellery so relaxed as we were for the few days we were there. We learned the art of doing nothing- or very little. We would wake up, take our time drinking coffee--- I would go for a walk and Ellery would tinker with the electric skiff. Later on we would pack a cooler and take off for a cruise somewhere--- mostly we went to this deserted beach--- only us and the birds, oh and the bottle-nose dolphins close to the shore.
At night we would have a couple adult beverages and sit and watch the sunset (until the bugs became so bad that we feared we would be dragged off by no-see-ums (which by the way you can totally see.). Or we would take the electric skiff out for a cruise through the canals with a gin and tonic in tow. Beautiful and so quiet.
We took a side trip to Savannah one day, and on our way back we stopped in Charleston, SC. But nothing can compare to the beautiful island we were on. I never wanted to leave.
However it was a long way home--- and we broke it up in a few days in order to see our new nephew in DC. Which was worth it.

I am very sad to be back in Maine. It's like we went back in time--- slowly the green grass faded to sparse patches...and the flowering trees became non existant. 2 days ago it snowed here. But alas I see signs of life: crocus's, my tulips are popping up... and April 9th we get some new baby chicks:) I am excited to have had the adventure of traveling South--- but I am also happy to have a whole summer ahead in Maine. The only place to be as far as I am concerned from May-October.

The View from the bottom

I am not going to lie- things have really sucked this February (see previous post.). I have had a really hard time digging myself out of this hole of dispair. When I wake up in the morning I have this sudden excitement that perhaps I just dreamt it all and that things are okay.... or maybe it's not that at all...maybe these sudden waves of hope are just that...Hope. Hope that things will get better and it won't always feel this heavy on my chest.
I know what depression feels like- I have felt it before laying on my heart, washing over my body....the sudden sense of things un-right, or not knowing if it will get better. The all consuming feeling of worthlessness, and self-pity. I have fought against this for years, I have fought against anxiety-- the panic in my body that I can't fix something, that I have lost control. I fight and I lose, but most of the time I fight and I win.
I got a call from a friend this morning that brightened my day-- news of an engagement. A perfect one at that. And it almost brought me to tears because I know things can go on...I know that as sad as I feel right now about my situation that those I love still can feel happiness, and I am not so far gone as to not feel intense happiness for them.
When I am down I think of the following three things perhaps not in this order:

1. Being on the lobsterboat with my Dad (even though I don't get out there as much as I would like too)... the ocean, the sights, the trap breaking up from the deep green/blue water... and my dad talking to me between traps, or not talking and there is just this great comfortable silence. That we are both out there doing what we love to do. In my mind this is how I calm down sometimes...I picture us both out there- and between the thoughts of my dad and the ocean I can calm down.

2. Baking- To quote Julie and Julia:

"I love that after a day when nothing is sure, and when I say 'nothing' I mean nothing, you can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It's such a comfort."

I feel like I'm doing something useful... like at the end of the day if I did nothing else besides bake a chocolate cake at least I accomplished that! And what is better than seeing someone enjoy something you created? I am grateful that I finally figured out what I love to do.

3.My husband. When I am down I always think of Ellery and I laughing or enjoying a good conversation. Be it marching in the living room, or taking a long walk with Tess dog down a beautiful road. It does something to comfort my troubled soul to know that I am married to this incredible human being. That I met someone that makes me feel like I am worth all the trouble.

I ask people this today- Ask someone how they are doing and mean it today.... you never know what people are going through. You never know how they are actually doing. I am very lucky to have people in my life who I can turn too. Listening is a gift anyone can give and it means so much to people who need it.

Facing rock bottom

Although an eternal pessimist, I always hold onto HOPE that things will work themselves out. This is sort of a contradicting view on life... However much of my family has the same theory and I sort of just went with it.

I have been going through some insane amount of hard times lately. Nothing I am willing to go into detail about....Let's just say it has really let me see how much I can really handle when the world comes crashing down. It has also let me see who I reach out for when I feel I can't take it all upon myself.

By nature or perhaps a Havener family trait- I would much rather take the whole load and deal with things myself than have to have someone else go through as much pain as I am going through. It makes me very upset when I upset someone else I love....even if it is not my fault.

I am also a control freak- I will admit it...I think I can control everything that happens to me just by expecting the worst...like if I prepare myself for the worst than it can't hurt so bad. However I have learned that I am very wrong. You can't control how you will react or how you FEEL. You can't control how deeply you love or how badly you want something... try as you might you are still going to hold on to this idea of HOPE and or FAITH that the world will work itself out.

I am not a church going person- or at least not on a consistent basis. I def. Pray when I know it's not in my hands- I look up when I can no longer stand looking at the ground. I reach out and take comfort in knowing that there has to be someone out there looking over us. I don't argue about religion- I believe that as long as you have something to believe in- be it god, nature, or whatever else....at least you have some inherent faith that someone else is taking care of you.

My faith is constantly tested...especially after this week... and although things did not work out in my favor I am incredibly grateful for the gifts that are in front of me in the form of friends, family and the kindness of strangers.

I may never see any good that has come from this situation....but I do see that I have the greatest husband, who's unrelenting love for me covers all obstacles. I was never aware that I could love or be loved like this. When you say your vows: “For better or for worse”.. you never prepare yourself fully for the worst. My husband took it seriously. He knows when to let me be and when not to leave me alone.. and he usually says the right things...even when I'm in my dark hole of lost hope. I am so thankful for him- its beyond words.

And than I have this crazy family- who drives me insane but who gets in a car and drives hours in the blink of an eye just to come sit with me and tell me it will be okay. A sister who will send me 20 text messages when I can't bring myself to speak. It's dedication and love.

There's also these amazing friends who shock me with their ability to comfort me at my lowest point, and encourage me to see the future. I am so grateful to have all these people in my life.

I may have hit bottom, and I def. Hit it in the worst time of the year- in the dreariness of mid-february when all I can see in the immediate future is gray and cold. However I try to remind myself that winter always has a way of turning into spring- and soon there will be sun and flowers and boat rides to nowhere and happy gatherings. And although it does little to lighten my heavy heart right now- it does pierce through to the depths of my soul and reminds me that it can't be bad forever. There is always HOPE for a better day, FAITH that things will get better, and people to guide you along the way.

The Worrier

I am a Worrier since birth- okay maybe not quite that far back, but as long as I can remember I have been one.
I believe it started when my sister came into this world and all the attention went from me to her--
Do my parents like me as much as her? How come everyone is watching her just sitting there drooling? My god do I belong to this family?

Things became worse when I hit the school years--- I worried about my animals, about my friends liking me, what I was wearing to school that day, my grades, boys, teachers.

My worry hit an obsession in high school with an all out eating disorder--- OMG I just ate half a sandwich how am I going to work this off before dinner- will I just be gigantic? So and So only ate a quarter of their lunch.... I really wish I could tell my high school self to chill the F out about the eating thing....after I finally let that obsession go (it took several years) I really learned to enjoy food and eventually like my body. And really where would I be today if I wasn't enjoying every single baked good creation I make? That would be a very sad state of affairs.

Adulthood has me worry about "real" life things. Big things like: Student Loans, House Payments, Getting Married, eventually having kids
Smaller still important things like: Staying warm and not losing my freaking mind in the winter, staying employed and busy, not becoming a hermit, learning not to be so much of a crazy person when people annoy me or do really stupid things that I just can't help but say something about.

My worry can sometimes get out of control for example: I often worry about my cats when we leave for a few days....in my mind this spirals out of control in the following way: What if the cats get hurt while I am away??? Good lord they could jump up on the table and it could fall on top of them, and they could be stuck there crushed with no one to help them! It would be all of my fault....
Or one other example (and this is probably why Ellery hates traveling with me): "Ellery don't you think we should leave early to get to the airport-- it says we should be there 1.5 hours early---" "Sarah if we left now we would be there 3 hours early" "Well that's probably okay- I mean there could be a million people there and we could be stuck in line and never get to our flight..."......which leads to us getting to the airport and sitting around forever- which than leads to my next worry: "Ellery do you think it is going to snow/rain/blow/hurricane and we won't get to go on our trip? I mean this could happen! Aren't you worried? Why aren't you worried???"

The thing is I know when my brain starts to travel to this worry zone. I can feel my heart start to race and the rush of irrational thoughts sweep over me. It is like the part of my brain that is control of normal reason and calm has been blanket by this worry/obsession. It makes it worse when someone tries to tell me just to turn it off- or if I give myself a hard time about it and start asking why am I like this?
Sometimes it works just too focus on something else: The ocean, baking a pie step by step, patting the cat. But sometimes this worry monster takes over for several days....especially in situations that I know I can't control, and where the outcome isn't clear.

I hope someday I can learn to let go of this fear of worrying- that I can be a little Zen and say "what will be will be" but I come from a long line of worriers. (Don't even try to talk to the Havener family about driving in snow). At times I think it can be beneficial, but most of the time it is not...
Anyway enough on this rant....I gotta get up and moving as I'm worried about what is going on today.

My Grandfather- Austin Havener

My grandfather Austin died when I was 13 years old- 14 years ago today. He was a lobsterman, avid clammer, and all around great man. It's hard to imagine that anyone you love can have left this world- let alone watch several years go by.
My grandparents Austin and Louise use to watch my sister and I after school growing up- so I was lucky enough to be able to spend lots of time with them--- I would of argued when I was younger that it was too much time, but I'm happy that my parents had us go over there--they were the best example of Great Maine Grandparents.
Not surprising I equate most of my memories of my grandparents with food- Fried Ham Sandwiches in butter after school (they ate dinner at 3:30 pm, and people complain I eat early at 5:30!), homemade buttermilk biscuits with mashed strawberries and sugar, cookies from the cookie jar that my grandmother would sneakily eat even though she had diabetes (she would only take a half at a time), and Easter dinners with boxed confetti cake made into the shape of a bunny.
I loved my grandparents intensely-- it also helped that my grandfather would always hand out dollar bills to all of his grand kids whenever we saw him.
Austin once built me a swing off of his "shop" it was a really high off the ground sort of swing so he would have to watch me as I was up there since I was pretty little at the time--- one day I was swinging and jumped high off the swing because I spotted a face painted on a rock across the street---My grandfather had painted it there for me (and probably for everyone) to see. I'm not sure why but he would change it's expression from time to time--- perhaps dependent on the weather.
There was also longgggggggggg rides to my Aunt's restaurant for lunch (11am?-omg I'm figuring out where my insane eating patterns come from as I write this)---I swear we would be in the car for half a day before we would get to Union eat a very slow lunch and then drive another half a day home listening to very old country music. I learned the concept of a Sunday drive from my grandparents.
There was other things I remember: My grandfather mowing his lawn all the time, board games, Listening to the VHF on who was getting pulled over or in trouble in town (Long John and Pantyhose were my grandparents code names on the VHF).... Get togethers at my grandparents house: Christmas Eve get togethers, Huge Easter Egg Hunts, Summer time BBQ's with wiffleball. I missed all of this so much after my grandparents passed.
The death of my grandfather was a huge event in my life- it was the first person I was very close to that died- and I loved him with all my 13 year old heart could muster. I was devastated by it, and I was just as much when my grandmother died a few years later.
However- I am so incredibly lucky to have had the time I did with them- and I'm also lucky to have family members that remind me so much of them. Like my Aunt Lynnette who is just this incredible person- she reminds me so much of a combination of both of my grandparents-- she is such a tough lady but she has one of the biggest hearts. And of course my Father- who I thank God for everyday that I am blessed to have as a Dad--my grandparents left me with the greatest gift- of having him as a dad.
I truly believe that a person does not die if their memories continue to stay in the hearts and stories of their loved ones. It has been 14 years since my grandfather has passed, but I can still see him clearly in my head riding his tractor in the field across the street. Love and Miss you Gramp.