A Beach day in Late March

Late March:

The Sea had been there all along.  I had forgotten my brain piled up with snow.  The ocean still layed upon the mud.
Glistening up the mussel shells to make me want to pick them up and hold them in my hand.  Later they would look less desirable, not as lovely without the wet sea salty upon them.
I jumped from rock from rock when I could of walked easily upon the pebbly beach.  It felt good for my legs and heart to work with my brain in some sort of long lost muscle memory of jumping along the beach as a kid. Leaping before much thought was put into it.  Today in sneakers, years ago in bare feet.
I watched my kid drawn to the sea, picking up rocks to throw out for our dog.  Upset when it was time to leave.  Looking longingly back over his shoulder and trying to double back when he thought we werent paying attention.  How to explain to a toddler that there will be much warmer beach days ahead.  They won't end because of a cold March wind.  Soon we can sit happily upon the warm sand and touch the cool water with our toes.

I've never been a Patient person, but I am a Patient Mom

Perhaps it was the blueberry handprint on the white doorway yesterday when I realized it.  Or the box of dry spaghetti that got dumped all over the floor for a second time, mainly because I wanted to do the dishes and thought it would keep him busy for a few more minutes.

Somewhere over the course of the last 15 months I have learned patience.  I have never ever been patient.  My husband says he can feel my impatience from across a room.  That I radiate it.  I am never late unless it’s something I don’t want to attend.  I am chronically early.  I can’t wait longer than 2 mins from onset of Hunger to when I eat.  I use to cry over spilt everything.  I am/was really almost a brat when it comes to when I want and need things.  But then I had Alden and so much shifted.

Do you know how much patience it takes to put a child in a car seat?  How about a child in a car seat when they don’t want to be in the car seat, and the strap is twisted and its 0 degrees out and really you just want to get him in there and go turn on the music and drink some lukewarm coffee.

Do you know how much patience it takes to be STARVING to death because you just fed your baby like one hundred times at night (that’s one hundred times of something poking and prodding at you, and you rearranging your body and letting your right arm go numb) but getting up and making sure his sippy cup is filled and clean and he has snack ready for when he wakes up (please just five mins of letting me eat a muffin alone little one).

Do you know what patience is when you are BEYOND TIRED after not sleeping because the whole family had a stomach virus, and you were catching puke in your hands and shirt. But he’s okay now and you are feverish but he wants to read GOODNIGHT GORRILLA for the one billionth time. And you do, and you do all the voices because he wants the voices and can tell if you aren’t into it.

Patience is: Saying no for the billionth time when he tries to put his hands in the toilet, singing itsy bitsy and made up songs in the car so he won’t cry, carrying him in the Ergo on a walk while your back hurts and you shove the boob in his mouth so he calms down so you can try to suck it up and ENJOY the 30 mins of quiet and look at trees and the ocean and try to remember who you are for a minute.  It’s not having a third drink when you really want one, its wiping blue hands and faces, its giving your body and mind over to another. It’s knowing you would give your life for your child’s in a heartbeat, less than a heartbeat.  Patience is what a Mother is.  And I think a Dad too—but this one goes out to the Moms.

Patience is Love unconditionally.  And Love is watching the blueberry covered smile look up at me and say Mama, or give me a hug and a MWAH.  Watching him learn something every day, and just being amazed by it.  Holding a hand as you walk and realizing you feel light with Love. Having his giggle make me cry.   

Thanks for the Patience little man, and for the Love.

Safe travels little sister

By the time I post this my sister will be on her way in her Volkswagon making her decent from Friendship, ME to Portland, OR with many stops to see friends and places along the way.

I couldn’t be prouder and I couldn’t be more jealous.  I never did anything like this---after college and a few poorly timed relationships I finally met the love of my life and we made our own decent around the coast of Maine before settling into where we are now.  I always said I wanted to travel a bunch before I settled down but as is often the case it just didn’t happen.  I don’t have regrets, but I do have lust to do just as she is doing.  But life threw me other things. 

In the past few years the age gap between my sister and I and the life choices we have made seem gigantic.  I am the mother of a one year old boy, and a Stay at home mom who runs her own food wagon.  My sister got her masters in Social Work, made some kick ass friends in New Hampshire---and then decided she needed move.  I find myself full of animosity sometimes when I talk to her.  Her world is so different then mine…I always find myself rolling my eyes when she tells me she is so tired, or overworked, or stressed, or sad about a breakup, or doesn’t have money.  I find myself trying to defend my way of life to my 27 year old sister.  Which is really so silly.  We are so completely different although very much the same.

I will never be able to explain to her until she has her own (if she makes that choice) the way it feels to curl up so close to my baby boy as I try to get him to sleep.  How by holding his little hand and touching his head I feel complete.  How I never felt complete like this before.  How when he is sick, or sad It makes my heart hurt.  I will never be able to explain how I can simultaneously want to be around him all time time, but also crave my own time and space.  And the second I leave him I think about him.  How I never knew Love until I held his body in my arms the day he was born.  How I felt more whole as a woman when I pushed him out in my living room.  How I would give up my life in a second, for his.

She may never be able to explain to me how the wind feels as it hits her face as she makes her way across the borders.  How she feels free and satisfied and a bit scared.  How she appears brave and happy but sometimes feels lonely and sad.  But always excited.  She will never be able to explain to me the great food she eats across the way and the long lost friends she gets to hugs, and the strangers she will meet that can turn into life long friends.  She won’t be able to explain to me the adventure, and angst, and happiness, and every wonderful scary second of it. 

She won’t be able to explain it to me but I will try to feel all of it through her because is my sister.  And when she is driving me nutty texting to her new love interest, or best friend (who probably does understand her better than I do at the moment)…or she is typing in things like coffee shops in Portland, and dogs for adoption as I am busy researching baby stomach bugs, and posting pictures of his face all over facebook----I will remember that she is my baby sister.  That she has been my companion since she made her way into my life.  That I have watched her grow from this tiny tag along to this woman who makes people happy with her smile.  That as much as we are opposites we came from the same roots.

I will try to remind myself when I am feeling jealous and a bit annoyed that we have chosen different paths, and that is how it works.  That although we share a similar sense of humor, and basically a very similar set of morals that we don’t share all the same paths in life.  There will be days when I can barely manage to get a cup of coffee into me with a baby on my hip, and she is sipping coffee from some of the finest coffee shops in the world.  There will be days when she is walking around and missing this ocean, and my son and I will be staring out at it on one of our long walks.  There will be days when I miss her so intensely as my son does something amazing for the first time, or my Dad calls me with one of his crazy stories---something only I think she will appreciate.  I will miss her and I will wish her closer.  But I couldn’t be more proud, and I only wish that she thinks of us from time to time---her family over here on the East coast.  

On my birthday, a reflection

I wanted to write something about this year, because I think birthdays are a good time for reflection...I had this whole post down about how incredibly thankful I am and relating it to a hundred different things.  But then I was outside today with Alden after a particularly frustrating morning ....We are sitting in the green grass with Tess Dog beside us and  he sticks this whole clover flower in his mouth and at that instant this huge gust of wind came up and blew his crazy hair all over and threw the leaves of the trees back and forth.  He gets this look in his eyes this kid when he is trying to figure out something but amazed with it at the same time.  He concentrates so hard and can't stop staring...and then he looks at me for me to give him some sort of emotion back on how he should be feeling and I just smile, and he smiles and then looks back at the wind rustling the trees.  And my heart explodes and every single happy nerve cell in my body feels like that tree waving back and forth... all from this 19 lb being sitting on the grass in front of me.  That is my year right there.  There was all kinds of things that were hard, and so many that have been so great.  But Alden has helped to  remind me to chill out when I am frustrated and rediscover things I forgot about :  Wind, sand on feet, summers first berries, Pinwheels, happy dancing, how awesome his Dad is, how every human deserves a big smile, nature, how to be silly, and how to love rawly, truly, deeply without hesitation. 

I am 30 years old today, and I no longer  focus on how old I am but I just watch this boy growing every day and developing into this little creature with a huge attitude.  And I overflow with gratitude even on days when I want to pull my hair out because I am so overwhelmed.  World has been brighter for me since he arrived in the beginning of winter, and it truly has been the best 7.5 months of my life.

Senses and Patience

From you my little 19 week old boy I am learning what Patience is. 

This week you have learned how to screech, as loud as possible and very often.  You are also growing a tooth, and going through some sort of growth spurt.  A triple whammy if you will.  You are often grouchy, and even a bit angry with me at times, leaping in to try to gnaw on my face with this glint of fierceness in your eyes.  I find it amusing, your Dad on the other hand thinks I am teaching you bad habits.  Oh well.
You use to sleep on walks, but now you are all arms and legs and looking around.  Happy bouncy boy with cooing sounds one minute---screaming, slobbering, suddenly starving mess the next.  It makes it hard to walk with friends that don't have kids.  They don't make muzzles for babies---well I guess that is what a pacifer is, but you hate those.  Funny thing I seem to enjoy my walks more with you.  Even if you are a bit of a monster halfway through---I feel like I am taking things in through your eyes.  Its hard to imagine that this is the first time you have seen birds singing, snow melting, tess dog leaping through brown grass, ocean pounding on the shore. The first time you smell the awakening of the Earth beneath the mud, new piercing through the old, salty air, and soon enough flowers.  What it must be like to have everything so new. 
You want to touch everything, you think that everything should be tasted---Hands, cloths, The dog, floor, feet, spoons, cups....and you aren't even eating solid foods yet---just think what that will be like!
I thank you little man for letting me awaken my senses. For reminding me that we take for granted little things.  Thank you for being loud so that when the quiet comes it seems so nice but a bit sad because you aren't gurgling and talking.  Thank you for my lack of sleep because when I do doze off for those few hours my god they seem so nice...and when you wake me up with your thrashing about and wanting to nurse---even in my neediness of sleep I can't help but think how beautiful you are.  Thank you my darling boy for teaching me what Patience is---there is no longer a running out the door in a hurry, meals must wait, I won't cut you off from nursing early just to make it somewhere on time---which gives me a few minutes to take in our surrondings.  Like today when I sat on the beach with you while you ate and I watched Tess Dog wade around in the ocean---I watched the sun reflect off your face and I could feel the warmth of it on your head and thought that must feel nice for you-- because it felt so wonderful for me to watch you---to think of every new thing you will be taking in as Spring begins and you get to take in the world, and I get to take it in all over again through your eyes.

12 weeks today

12 weeks today.  And it seems like forever and not very long all at once.  I am looking at you in your car seat sleeping---and you keep trying to wake up and I keep trying to keep you asleep just so I can have a few minutes to myself---but at the same time I want you awake because I just adore your company.  This seems to be the theme of being a mom.  Needing some down time, but this intense love and wanting to be with you every second.

The way you have changed in the last few months is crazy.  I have watched you develop from this little adorable blob with no head control, no recognition besides instinctual to your surrounding and other people---to this incredible smiling, cooing, arms and legs flailing little person.  It’s crazy/scary how much you change every day.  What is even more crazy/scary is how much more I love you every day.

Sometimes when I take you out because I so desperately need some human interaction---I look at you there in your little car seat so small.  And I think---that is my whole world right there.  That is my whole world in this little seat.  And I get so scared of any harm coming to you---I get so scared that I could drop you, or a car could hit us, or even someone could sneeze on you and make you sick.  It makes me completely overwhelmed and I literally have to tell myself that I can’t protect you from everything, and that I shouldn’t protect you from everything.  I have to stop myself from crying when you cry.  Because your cry has a way of tearing at my soul…and so does your smile.  Your smile could move mountains little man….I look at you smiling and talking to someone and I just think my god you are so incredible.  How did I make something so incredible?  How did I get so lucky?

I think of your journey into this world a lot.  I think of you being born in our living room with the help of so many warm and wonderful women, and with your amazing fathers support.  I think of how when I met you it’s like I knew you all along. It’s like I had been waiting for you my entire life.  And when you were handed to me I felt whole.  I felt like everything was unimportant except for you, me, and your father.  The world could fall down, and we could lose everything---but all I needed was contained in that room.

I give up sleep, my body, eating meals alone, reading, naps, and being able to spend long amounts of time with your Dad.  It’s all frustrating…but let me tell you something.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I would go without sleep, or eating, or the daily comforts of life just to have you.  I would do everything all over---I would deal with loss and grief, and being pregnant, and mental illness during pregnancy if the end result was always you. 

I feel a magnetic pull towards you.  When I am in the shower and I get 20 mins of being alone---which I so desperately need that I could cry out when I see your dad pull into the driveway.  When I have had you attached to me for 20 something hours and I just want to go shut the door to the bathroom, grab a snack and cry and laugh at the same time.  I hear you shout out and it takes literally all of myself to stay where I am.  I want to go comfort you; I never want you to have to be sad or angry.  I want to take every ounce of your hurt and just let you be a smiling happy boy.  I have to remind myself sometimes to take care of me.  Because all I want to do is take care of you.  I swear I could hear your cry from a million miles away. 

Here I sit watching you smile in your sleep.  Here I sit trying to get into words what has been floating around in my head since you were born.  What so many mothers feel.  I feel exhausted from how much I love you.  But the best kind of exhaustion.  I love you little one.

2013

2013

What a year.  At this time last year I was desperately trying to become pregnant after a year of trying to get pregnant and two miscarriages.  Today I took a nap in front of the wood stove with my son Alden after a long night of not sleeping, and thought who cares if I ever sleep.  At least I have this little guy by my side.  I feel incredibly thankful for this past year, and for some important people who entered my life, and those who have been there all along.

First of all, I have the most incredible husband as I have mentioned before.  He has been with me for 6  years now, and this year may have been one of the hardest, and the best all at once.  He has held my  hand through loss, mental illness (OCD took over my life for ¾ of my pregnancy), happiness, defeat, depression, and birth.  I will never be able to explain to anyone who wasn't at the birth of our son how incredible Ellery is.  He was with me every second, through every contraction, and at several times during the birth he literally held me up.  He is always my anchor.  And now we are embarking along perhaps the hardest part of a relationship----a newborn baby where there is much less sleep, less socializing, and less time as a couple.  I don't doubt the power of our relationship, and that we will survive.  I see him holding our boy or hugging me when he is so tired, and I know what love and sacrifice is.

When we became pregnant we decided that we wanted to go a much different route then we had attempted to go before when I got pregnant.  We didn't want to deal with hospitals, and doctors with no bedside manners.  Both of us after the trauma of last time wanted comfort, and someone we could trust. 

We met our midwife when I was just a few weeks along.  We instantly felt at ease with her.  We had a couple scary moments in the beginning of pregnancy, and she calmly helped us through it.  She also dealt with phone calls and texts, and emails from me as my OCD peaked and I became obsessed with the survival of the fetus inside me.  She let me come listen to the heartbeat of my precious boy anytime I was worried...and remained a calm and strong presence for Ellery and I throughout our pregnancy.  I am sure it took a lot of Patience and I am forever grateful.  Not only were we thrilled to have her as a midwife, but I slowly gained confidence in my body to do what it was suppose to do.  Grow a healthy baby.  I wasn't hooked up to machines all the time, or had to do a bunch of blood work.  I best of all I didn't have to be rushed off to the hospital as soon as my water broke on November 27^th.  I got to stay in the comfort of my own home and labor through. My midwife, and the assisting midwifes were amazing, and were such a great support.  When labor became really intense I found strength within myself that I didn't know I had.  I gathered strength from positive memories, and by focusing on people I love.  I feel like a different person after the birth of Alden, I feel stronger as a woman for knowing what us women are capable of.  I want to thank my wonderful midwife for her presence, and all midwifes out there that help women feel this way. 

Two wonderful friends entered my life this year and I am forever grateful.  My friends Ellen and Kate who both have babies---Pascal who is 3 months, and Darius who is 9 months---helped me enormously throughout my pregnancy and this year.  Just by meeting once a week for a great hike or a talk---helped my mental health enormously.  When I would go on about my OCD, or even when they had to witness me in the middle of it, I never felt judged.  I am thankful for these new friendships, and hope our babes grow up together in this beautiful area of the world we live in. 

I am as always incredibly grateful for my family—who has dealt with me since birth and who has had to put up with my ways for years now.  Thank you for answering every call and taking me through all my crazy OCD fits, thank you for reassuring me that things will be okay, thank you for taking the time to check in on me, and thank you most of all for loving Alden the way you do.  With all your heart.

I also want to acknowledge my community, as well as the support of strangers this year.  Together with you and my family and friends I raised money for a food truck that will be happening this summer---it sort of got put on the back burner when Alden came into my life, but I look forward to expanding my business and I am so incredibly grateful for everyone’s support and interest in the food truck and pie business.

Of course I am so incredibly grateful for my boy Alden.  When I met you I felt like I had always known you----strange since your name means “Old friend”.  Everyday you do something new and you look more deeply into my eyes and smile a bit bigger.  You melt my heart. Even when I am running on no sleep and I am covered in poo and we are all sorts of stressed out.  I am reminded of what a gift you are.  You are my boy, I wanted you for so long, I carried you in me and I was always so worried about you---and now you are here and I will worry about you forever---and it is all so worth it.  I’ve been in love with you since you were a cell.  I look forward to everyday with you because everyday I love you more.  Waiting for you was the most trying thing I ever had to do, but I would do it all over again if the outcome was always you.  I love you my boy.

In summary I am happy for every low and high of 2013--- what a difference time can make in ones life.  My resolution is to remind myself everyday how lucky I am---I hope that you can do the same.  Everyone that is loved, and loves is a truly blessed person.  Bring on 2014.