The View from the bottom

I am not going to lie- things have really sucked this February (see previous post.). I have had a really hard time digging myself out of this hole of dispair. When I wake up in the morning I have this sudden excitement that perhaps I just dreamt it all and that things are okay.... or maybe it's not that at all...maybe these sudden waves of hope are just that...Hope. Hope that things will get better and it won't always feel this heavy on my chest.
I know what depression feels like- I have felt it before laying on my heart, washing over my body....the sudden sense of things un-right, or not knowing if it will get better. The all consuming feeling of worthlessness, and self-pity. I have fought against this for years, I have fought against anxiety-- the panic in my body that I can't fix something, that I have lost control. I fight and I lose, but most of the time I fight and I win.
I got a call from a friend this morning that brightened my day-- news of an engagement. A perfect one at that. And it almost brought me to tears because I know things can go on...I know that as sad as I feel right now about my situation that those I love still can feel happiness, and I am not so far gone as to not feel intense happiness for them.
When I am down I think of the following three things perhaps not in this order:

1. Being on the lobsterboat with my Dad (even though I don't get out there as much as I would like too)... the ocean, the sights, the trap breaking up from the deep green/blue water... and my dad talking to me between traps, or not talking and there is just this great comfortable silence. That we are both out there doing what we love to do. In my mind this is how I calm down sometimes...I picture us both out there- and between the thoughts of my dad and the ocean I can calm down.

2. Baking- To quote Julie and Julia:

"I love that after a day when nothing is sure, and when I say 'nothing' I mean nothing, you can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It's such a comfort."

I feel like I'm doing something useful... like at the end of the day if I did nothing else besides bake a chocolate cake at least I accomplished that! And what is better than seeing someone enjoy something you created? I am grateful that I finally figured out what I love to do.

3.My husband. When I am down I always think of Ellery and I laughing or enjoying a good conversation. Be it marching in the living room, or taking a long walk with Tess dog down a beautiful road. It does something to comfort my troubled soul to know that I am married to this incredible human being. That I met someone that makes me feel like I am worth all the trouble.

I ask people this today- Ask someone how they are doing and mean it today.... you never know what people are going through. You never know how they are actually doing. I am very lucky to have people in my life who I can turn too. Listening is a gift anyone can give and it means so much to people who need it.

Facing rock bottom

Although an eternal pessimist, I always hold onto HOPE that things will work themselves out. This is sort of a contradicting view on life... However much of my family has the same theory and I sort of just went with it.

I have been going through some insane amount of hard times lately. Nothing I am willing to go into detail about....Let's just say it has really let me see how much I can really handle when the world comes crashing down. It has also let me see who I reach out for when I feel I can't take it all upon myself.

By nature or perhaps a Havener family trait- I would much rather take the whole load and deal with things myself than have to have someone else go through as much pain as I am going through. It makes me very upset when I upset someone else I love....even if it is not my fault.

I am also a control freak- I will admit it...I think I can control everything that happens to me just by expecting the worst...like if I prepare myself for the worst than it can't hurt so bad. However I have learned that I am very wrong. You can't control how you will react or how you FEEL. You can't control how deeply you love or how badly you want something... try as you might you are still going to hold on to this idea of HOPE and or FAITH that the world will work itself out.

I am not a church going person- or at least not on a consistent basis. I def. Pray when I know it's not in my hands- I look up when I can no longer stand looking at the ground. I reach out and take comfort in knowing that there has to be someone out there looking over us. I don't argue about religion- I believe that as long as you have something to believe in- be it god, nature, or whatever else....at least you have some inherent faith that someone else is taking care of you.

My faith is constantly tested...especially after this week... and although things did not work out in my favor I am incredibly grateful for the gifts that are in front of me in the form of friends, family and the kindness of strangers.

I may never see any good that has come from this situation....but I do see that I have the greatest husband, who's unrelenting love for me covers all obstacles. I was never aware that I could love or be loved like this. When you say your vows: “For better or for worse”.. you never prepare yourself fully for the worst. My husband took it seriously. He knows when to let me be and when not to leave me alone.. and he usually says the right things...even when I'm in my dark hole of lost hope. I am so thankful for him- its beyond words.

And than I have this crazy family- who drives me insane but who gets in a car and drives hours in the blink of an eye just to come sit with me and tell me it will be okay. A sister who will send me 20 text messages when I can't bring myself to speak. It's dedication and love.

There's also these amazing friends who shock me with their ability to comfort me at my lowest point, and encourage me to see the future. I am so grateful to have all these people in my life.

I may have hit bottom, and I def. Hit it in the worst time of the year- in the dreariness of mid-february when all I can see in the immediate future is gray and cold. However I try to remind myself that winter always has a way of turning into spring- and soon there will be sun and flowers and boat rides to nowhere and happy gatherings. And although it does little to lighten my heavy heart right now- it does pierce through to the depths of my soul and reminds me that it can't be bad forever. There is always HOPE for a better day, FAITH that things will get better, and people to guide you along the way.

The Worrier

I am a Worrier since birth- okay maybe not quite that far back, but as long as I can remember I have been one.
I believe it started when my sister came into this world and all the attention went from me to her--
Do my parents like me as much as her? How come everyone is watching her just sitting there drooling? My god do I belong to this family?

Things became worse when I hit the school years--- I worried about my animals, about my friends liking me, what I was wearing to school that day, my grades, boys, teachers.

My worry hit an obsession in high school with an all out eating disorder--- OMG I just ate half a sandwich how am I going to work this off before dinner- will I just be gigantic? So and So only ate a quarter of their lunch.... I really wish I could tell my high school self to chill the F out about the eating thing....after I finally let that obsession go (it took several years) I really learned to enjoy food and eventually like my body. And really where would I be today if I wasn't enjoying every single baked good creation I make? That would be a very sad state of affairs.

Adulthood has me worry about "real" life things. Big things like: Student Loans, House Payments, Getting Married, eventually having kids
Smaller still important things like: Staying warm and not losing my freaking mind in the winter, staying employed and busy, not becoming a hermit, learning not to be so much of a crazy person when people annoy me or do really stupid things that I just can't help but say something about.

My worry can sometimes get out of control for example: I often worry about my cats when we leave for a few days....in my mind this spirals out of control in the following way: What if the cats get hurt while I am away??? Good lord they could jump up on the table and it could fall on top of them, and they could be stuck there crushed with no one to help them! It would be all of my fault....
Or one other example (and this is probably why Ellery hates traveling with me): "Ellery don't you think we should leave early to get to the airport-- it says we should be there 1.5 hours early---" "Sarah if we left now we would be there 3 hours early" "Well that's probably okay- I mean there could be a million people there and we could be stuck in line and never get to our flight..."......which leads to us getting to the airport and sitting around forever- which than leads to my next worry: "Ellery do you think it is going to snow/rain/blow/hurricane and we won't get to go on our trip? I mean this could happen! Aren't you worried? Why aren't you worried???"

The thing is I know when my brain starts to travel to this worry zone. I can feel my heart start to race and the rush of irrational thoughts sweep over me. It is like the part of my brain that is control of normal reason and calm has been blanket by this worry/obsession. It makes it worse when someone tries to tell me just to turn it off- or if I give myself a hard time about it and start asking why am I like this?
Sometimes it works just too focus on something else: The ocean, baking a pie step by step, patting the cat. But sometimes this worry monster takes over for several days....especially in situations that I know I can't control, and where the outcome isn't clear.

I hope someday I can learn to let go of this fear of worrying- that I can be a little Zen and say "what will be will be" but I come from a long line of worriers. (Don't even try to talk to the Havener family about driving in snow). At times I think it can be beneficial, but most of the time it is not...
Anyway enough on this rant....I gotta get up and moving as I'm worried about what is going on today.

My Grandfather- Austin Havener

My grandfather Austin died when I was 13 years old- 14 years ago today. He was a lobsterman, avid clammer, and all around great man. It's hard to imagine that anyone you love can have left this world- let alone watch several years go by.
My grandparents Austin and Louise use to watch my sister and I after school growing up- so I was lucky enough to be able to spend lots of time with them--- I would of argued when I was younger that it was too much time, but I'm happy that my parents had us go over there--they were the best example of Great Maine Grandparents.
Not surprising I equate most of my memories of my grandparents with food- Fried Ham Sandwiches in butter after school (they ate dinner at 3:30 pm, and people complain I eat early at 5:30!), homemade buttermilk biscuits with mashed strawberries and sugar, cookies from the cookie jar that my grandmother would sneakily eat even though she had diabetes (she would only take a half at a time), and Easter dinners with boxed confetti cake made into the shape of a bunny.
I loved my grandparents intensely-- it also helped that my grandfather would always hand out dollar bills to all of his grand kids whenever we saw him.
Austin once built me a swing off of his "shop" it was a really high off the ground sort of swing so he would have to watch me as I was up there since I was pretty little at the time--- one day I was swinging and jumped high off the swing because I spotted a face painted on a rock across the street---My grandfather had painted it there for me (and probably for everyone) to see. I'm not sure why but he would change it's expression from time to time--- perhaps dependent on the weather.
There was also longgggggggggg rides to my Aunt's restaurant for lunch (11am?-omg I'm figuring out where my insane eating patterns come from as I write this)---I swear we would be in the car for half a day before we would get to Union eat a very slow lunch and then drive another half a day home listening to very old country music. I learned the concept of a Sunday drive from my grandparents.
There was other things I remember: My grandfather mowing his lawn all the time, board games, Listening to the VHF on who was getting pulled over or in trouble in town (Long John and Pantyhose were my grandparents code names on the VHF).... Get togethers at my grandparents house: Christmas Eve get togethers, Huge Easter Egg Hunts, Summer time BBQ's with wiffleball. I missed all of this so much after my grandparents passed.
The death of my grandfather was a huge event in my life- it was the first person I was very close to that died- and I loved him with all my 13 year old heart could muster. I was devastated by it, and I was just as much when my grandmother died a few years later.
However- I am so incredibly lucky to have had the time I did with them- and I'm also lucky to have family members that remind me so much of them. Like my Aunt Lynnette who is just this incredible person- she reminds me so much of a combination of both of my grandparents-- she is such a tough lady but she has one of the biggest hearts. And of course my Father- who I thank God for everyday that I am blessed to have as a Dad--my grandparents left me with the greatest gift- of having him as a dad.
I truly believe that a person does not die if their memories continue to stay in the hearts and stories of their loved ones. It has been 14 years since my grandfather has passed, but I can still see him clearly in my head riding his tractor in the field across the street. Love and Miss you Gramp.

Finale of the Bakery and Baby Tour

I arrived in NYC by bus in the late afternoon--The KAPPS had given me directions on how to get over to their Chinatown apartment from where the bus had cast me off into the street....I being the tourist I am grabbed a starbucks and hopped on the subway- made it there with no problems!

When I arrived I was greeted by two of my favorite adults- David and Cecily Kapp---both very talented artists who live in this gorgeous apartment in NYC. They also live in the summer in Friendship- and own my favorite spot on earth---Briney Brow cottage. But that's a different post.

After getting settled- I took a walk on Broadway for an hour or two and than came back to have dinner with them at the house--they are two of the best cooks ever, so this is no small thing.
The next morning I woke up (still very very sick with a cold)- and decided I was going to walk from Chinatown to Central park---about 1 hour walk in my world, and like 60 blocks in NYC language. It was 60 degrees out and beautiful and I enjoyed every second of it. I stopped at two bakeries on the way: Wild Daisy on Sullivan St. which had amazing bread- so I stalked up and got one for lunch and other meals.
I walked through the village- which is my favorite part of NYC- and stopped in Washington Square Park- which for reasons unknown is my favorite park in NYC.... I think it's because it's near where the KAPPS use to live on MacDougal St. and I have visited it like every 3-4 years of my life starting at age 12. SEE REFLECTION AT END OF POST.
Then I found CITY BAKERY somewhere on one of the numbered streets- i think like 14th street. It was beautiful and had one of the best scones I've ever had in my life--- and they let me take pictures as they found it amusing that a girl from Maine was taking pictures of things like muffins and cookies.
I eventually made it down to Central Park where I sat on a rock and watched Ice-skaters as I ate my roll from Wild Daisy.... I have to say that is so satisfying to be on your own schedule in a place that you love to visit-- you can do whatever you want and not worry about the other person you are with. I mean you do get lonely and wish for someone to go have a drink with or what not--- but it is so awesome to just lazily stop at bakery's or any odd store along the way-- and then wonder around Central Park and not ask yourself a hundred times if the other person is having a good time. But maybe that's just me- I have sort of a guilt complex.
I came back to Chinatown via subway and met up with Cecily who gave me the best tour of Chinatown ever--- we visited amazing tea shops, had a chinese massage (very intense), went into seafood/meat shops and grabbed a bubbletea....it was awesome- besides that fortunes we received from the Buddhist temple that weren't very good--we threw them away in protest!
- and than went out with the KAPPS + their son Arthur (who I've known since he was like 3 years old) for dinner in Chinatown.
The next morning it was raining so I was dragging my feet a bit--- i went to some weird store with Cecily that she thought I would like--- but I hated it, and had to politely tell her it wasn't for me and made my way back uptown- where later in the day I was to meet my friend Julianne.
I decided I would visit this awesome bakery since I was back up that way--- it ended up being my favorite- 2 Red Hens. Since I had accidently hiked for 2 miles- I ordered the biggest piece of Pumpkin Gingerbread available and had a cappachino to go with it. It was the best meal in NYC.
From there I visited the MET briefly before squeezing in a short visit with Julianne---(I don't recommend trying to squeeze in 6-8 months of whatevers going on in your lives in one short visit---it makes people ansy- even good friends like us). I went back to the Kapps after shopping for Christmas presents on broadway- and they took me out for some amazing food in the village for my last night.
The next morning I left for Maine---and very happy to finally be returning to my husband, and animals!

REFLECTION IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK:
As I was sitting on a bench in WSP on a warm morning- I couldn't help but think about who i was 10 years ago when I was sitting in essentially that same spot. At age 17 I was fresh out of highschool and wondering about what college would be like...I'm sure I was more insecure and less sure of myself-- but I was pretty much the same person just in a different part of my life- wondering what the next journey would be like. At age 27 I'm sitting analyzing things like starting a family, my house, and how the hell I am going to get this bakery business going... I'm still scared as I was at age 17- but I'm also excited, and more positive things will work themselves out. It makes me wonder what I will be like at age 37---what will I be thinking of then? Will I be there with my kids watching them run around- and being excited about being in a big city with so much going on? Will I have the same feeling of contentment as I did at age 17 and 27-- that I can travel from smalltown, Maine by myself and be okay in a big city. That I'm not an incapable person- that I can handle things on my own- but secretly wishing that Ellery was with me? I hope that I'm still so amused by life and the places it takes me- and things it throws my way. I hope this girl from Maine will always get a kick out of traveling to places out of her comfort zone.
CHEERS.

Babies and Baked Goods Tour Part 2- Washington D.C.

For the second leg of my journey I traveled from Baltimore to D.C on the MARC train--after meeting up with Ellery at the Baltimore airport (he didn't think it would be right if I met our nephew before him).
We got into D.C around mid-day and first thing met our new nephew- Ethan Russell Lankin. What an adorable baby- and usually I don't find babies adorable right off. I had caught a ridiculous cold about this time so I couldn't play with him much which was sad--- but it's not like babies at this age can play very well anyway. They mostly just sleep, or poo, or eat or cry. Sometimes though they look off into space all googly eyed and you are suppose to act very impressed-- and say things like: "Wow he just looks so intelligent", "my god is he smiling?"-- but mostly every expression on a newborn is because of some sort of bowel movement or gas.
Its still sort of new to Ellery and I being an aunt and uncle....like we know in several years that this will be a much bigger deal- and we can't wait to have him up to Maine to visit his crazy relatives and take him hiking, lobstering, fishing, etc. Throw him in mud-puddles and such--- things he can't do in the city. But for now we just sort of stare at him like everyone else.

We went out for some awesome Sushi in D.C on our first day--- and this was one of Ethan's first outings. His parents were surprisingly not as nervous as I thought they would be....he slept for a lot of it which helped I think. Oh plus Thalia and Josh are pretty awesome parents so far.
We made dinner in that night.
The next day we visited Georgetown cupcakes-- which is the new hip place in D.C. There is literally a line out the door, and they have dozens of flavors of cupcakes a day. Ellery and I waited in line and ordered: Coconut creme, gingerbread, Chocolate-Mint, and salted caramel. All very good- could of used more cake and less frosting though. I also have a hard time understand the cupcake fad--- I mean I get it- little personal cakes....but I think a thick slice of a truly awesome cake is better-- or pie or cookies. Cupcakes usually lack something.
We then walked around Georgetown for a few hours, spotted another cool bakery--- and then went and had some beers and pizza for lunch before heading back to Thalia and Josh's for rest and eventually a dinner made by the men! (i was shocked also.)

At this point- although very happy to have hung out with two very cool babies---I was ready to head to NYC and be on my own schedule--- which involved my own feeding and sleeping times, and lots of more walking around. I left Sunday morning by bus onward towards NY- as Ellery flew back home by plane.

Bakery and Baby Tour of the East PART ONE

2 Weeks ago I left to visit Baltimore, DC, and NYC. I wanted to do a solo trip to prove to myself that I can travel places on my own and survive. Ellery did however meet me in DC for two days- but besides that I did it entirely on my own, and I am pretty proud of myself.
Here's what went down.

BALTIMORE:

One of my best friends lives in Baltimore- I like to be all poetic and think that fate brought us together as friends, because we happened to be neighbors when we both lived in Blue Hill 3 years ago( before she moved away--tear.). Someone told me a Lone cabinet maker lived behind me who was older than me....I went and knocked on her door and found an awesome, young, hip red-head who was only like 4 years older than me. Glad I decided to knock on her door.
Brooke's the kind of friend I can text at 5am in the morning to whine about something that other people would find very bizarre-- and she will answer with something that always makes me feel better. She's also a kick-ass Mom who goes to school full-time.
Brooke has one of the cutest little boys I know--CADE. He's a real charmer--oh man that smile. Even when he is crying hysterically because he's tired, or hungry, or needs a diaper change (I learned this is the three main reasons babies cry) he is still cute.
Most of my time in Baltimore was spent walking around with Cade and Brooke--we visited the waterfront district, but we mostly stayed around Brooke's neighborhood which is pretty cool. Nice shops and restaurants and such. I visited two bakeries while in Baltimore- Boneparte Bakery and St0ne Mill. At Bonteparte I had a Croissant the size of my head that was pretty good--- St0ne Mill was sort of all hype- it looked like it had good bread, but the baked goods were nothing special.
We took a sort of late night walk down to 34th street where the entire section of road is just filled up with awesome Christmas light displays. ...All decked out with Maryland Crabs, or hubcaps, or bike wheels..very cool.
Brooke's awesome husband MYLES picked us up some Indian food on my last night that was realllly good. And than I had to leave to make the Journey to DC via the MARC TRAIN.

ALL in ALL I liked Baltimore a bit more after this visit (I have been once before)...it's def. not my favorite city- but there are some decent places to visit. And their WHOLE FOODS is pretty awesome so it can't be all bad:)