May you never feel helpless

my babies.

This is a dark topic to write about to you, at age 3.5 and 8mo the only real sadness you feel is when you can't get your way or you get hurt.  But I am writing this for you later on in life when things feel a bit heavier at times.

May you never feel helpless my boys. There's times when things will happen to you-  a girl or (maybe a boy?) will break your heart, you will lose a loved one, a job, make a few mistakes In a row and things will feel damn heavy.  Do not feel helpless, you are not alone.
You see my boys I've struggled with my mental health as far back as I can remember- there had honestly been times when it seemed everyone would be better off without me, I often thought how my panic would be gone, my anxiety gone.  But then I thought of not seeing the ocean, not watching my dad haul traps, my husband laugh, or most of all I would have never know you- or watch you grow.
As your mama I want to take any hurt and put into my self and watch it disolve. I never want you to feel hurt or pain or sadness. I know some of it is life. But my boys please don't ever feel so sad that you think the world is better off without you in it. Because somewhere someone loves you- and you my boys will always be loved by me- fiercely, intensely, and forever. Think of your favorite place, your favorite human, anything and then call me. For I and so many others would drive a million miles and hold your hand all night in silence to help you see the light.
I know the darkness my boys, Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and I see a spinning hole that goes down and down and nothing seems right and nothing seems good and nothing seems to help me out. Then I watch you boys laughing at each other- I go outside and breath air- look at the sea and get my bearings. It never is as bad as your brain can make it seem.
One more thing- ask for help. No one likes to do it, and you may feel like your weak--- but my god your not. Your the strongest for asking and admitting. Ther s no shame in it. And there's people who are willing and angels and happy to.

I hope you never feel dispair. I hope that you live the fullest of lives, and when things get rough you can see far enough ahead to keep going. My babies I can't keep your protected forever but I can promise I'll always love you, see the best in you, and Let you know it. I love you both so much.

Love
Mama

To my firstborn

Dear First born,

Last night you said to me that "I am proud of you mama" out of nowhere which perhaps means you don't know what proud is, or you are actually proud of me for no reason at all.  I am going to go with the second.  I dont think one line has ever been said to me that meant so much.  For being a Mom I question everyday if I am doing it right. Sometimes to keep my sanity in check I have to be proud of myself for simple things, and I thank you for saying that because we all should be proud of ourselves for just being who we are sometimes.  I started thinking the following thoughts this morning when I was walking after dropping you off at daycare and watching you wave to me out the window---things I want you to know about me:

I am never going to be the Mom who knits you sweaters, I will never have a clean house.  I don't for the life of me know how to make a ferry crown out of flowers.  I swear entirely to much, often and sometimes loud.  I am impatient.  I like things done a certain way.  I am lazy in other ways.  I let you watch tv when my head hurts from parenting.  I am no good at sitting still and I often rush us or talk about all the things we are doing in one day just to sort it out in my mind. I get bored easily.  I am most at ease when I am in the kitchen or walking or watching you play with your Dad.  I find you to be the most hilarious creature I have ever met and I let you get away with to much.  I feed you chocolate when your dads not looking.  I bribe you to use the potty with treats.  I let you eat raw cookie dough.   I often expose to you extremely cold temperatures just to get a walk in.  I wonder how I could ever love another being as much as I love you, so that doesn't sit well when I think about having a second.

On the other hand---  I will have a dance party with you anytime you ask me-  I will make up words to a song to keep you from crying.  Even if its inappropriate and involves butts as a lyric. I will take you on an adventure everyday---I will hold you for two miles in 10 degree weather and duck under snow covered trees just to see the shore with you.  I will search for crabs under seaweed for hours.  I will always think simple things are beautiful like acorns, and seashells, and red berries in snow.  I will let you eat a million blueberries in July, and drink a cup of cocoa in Winter.  Even though I have no filter, and how I feel is written all over my face and often coming out of my mouth- this will mean that I will never hide anything from you.  I will always be real with you.  I will hug you and kiss you more than you like, even though I have a hard time hugging and kissing most humans.  I will read you a billion books even though I long to be reading my own book.  I will never feel guilty that you still share a bed with us because you are only little for so long and one of the best feelings is having your warm little head still fit under the crook of my arm.  You are still breastfeeding and you are over two, and I don't care because you will stop when you are ready and really having you has let me let go of people that are judgy.  I will jump in puddles with you, and chase chickens and Ill let you eat rice cakes for lunch. When it comes to you my dear boy you are my biggest weakness and strength.  You are the Love of my life.  When you are gone I miss you and when you are near I long for space and its all okay because thats just who I am.  So when some-days seem so extremely tough, i want to remind you and I that we can only be who we are and I hope that you are always proud of this imperfect mama, as much as I am proud of you.

Toddler

Hey there mister almost two year old.  Do you know how you drive your parents absolutely nutty with your crazy ways?  How you are always pushing us to the brink to see how much you can get away with.  The throwing of food on the floor, overturned pet food and water bowls, screaming, jumping and climbing on things you shouldn't.  Slapping me, slapping other kids, laughing in my face when I say no.  Saying bye dada when u want him to leave.   I've never been pushed to the edge this far before and then add in a healthy dose of sleep deprivation and it's like some sort of mid evil torture.  But here's how you really get me kid---

I see you run full speed for a puddle (after picking a "gape"/rose hip from a bush). And your hair is blowing all crazy blonde curls around your face and your covered in chocolate cookie and you jump with such enthusiastic glee that I cry laugh because your mine.  Your pointing out sailboats and laughing with closed eyes and you want up up up "carry you" and you want to touch that tractor and you want to walk alone but holding my hand.  And you know I feel it.  I get that every second is fleeting and someday you won't hold my hand, but someday you might not throw food either.  And it's a crazy roller coaster for anyone who loves a toddler.  The wanting to grow up a bit and the holding him a bit to tight sometimes and kissing his smushy cheeks because right now u can.  The fighting over of independence and dependence.  And I see your dad in your personality and myself In you aNd all our relatives but I mostly see you Alden.  My ball of crazy energy jumping monkey on the bed.  The nighttime small feet against my belly.  My crying, loving, goofy, toddler.  I adore you and you couldn't be anymore perfect to me.

A Beach day in Late March

Late March:

The Sea had been there all along.  I had forgotten my brain piled up with snow.  The ocean still layed upon the mud.
Glistening up the mussel shells to make me want to pick them up and hold them in my hand.  Later they would look less desirable, not as lovely without the wet sea salty upon them.
I jumped from rock from rock when I could of walked easily upon the pebbly beach.  It felt good for my legs and heart to work with my brain in some sort of long lost muscle memory of jumping along the beach as a kid. Leaping before much thought was put into it.  Today in sneakers, years ago in bare feet.
I watched my kid drawn to the sea, picking up rocks to throw out for our dog.  Upset when it was time to leave.  Looking longingly back over his shoulder and trying to double back when he thought we werent paying attention.  How to explain to a toddler that there will be much warmer beach days ahead.  They won't end because of a cold March wind.  Soon we can sit happily upon the warm sand and touch the cool water with our toes.

I've never been a Patient person, but I am a Patient Mom

Perhaps it was the blueberry handprint on the white doorway yesterday when I realized it.  Or the box of dry spaghetti that got dumped all over the floor for a second time, mainly because I wanted to do the dishes and thought it would keep him busy for a few more minutes.

Somewhere over the course of the last 15 months I have learned patience.  I have never ever been patient.  My husband says he can feel my impatience from across a room.  That I radiate it.  I am never late unless it’s something I don’t want to attend.  I am chronically early.  I can’t wait longer than 2 mins from onset of Hunger to when I eat.  I use to cry over spilt everything.  I am/was really almost a brat when it comes to when I want and need things.  But then I had Alden and so much shifted.

Do you know how much patience it takes to put a child in a car seat?  How about a child in a car seat when they don’t want to be in the car seat, and the strap is twisted and its 0 degrees out and really you just want to get him in there and go turn on the music and drink some lukewarm coffee.

Do you know how much patience it takes to be STARVING to death because you just fed your baby like one hundred times at night (that’s one hundred times of something poking and prodding at you, and you rearranging your body and letting your right arm go numb) but getting up and making sure his sippy cup is filled and clean and he has snack ready for when he wakes up (please just five mins of letting me eat a muffin alone little one).

Do you know what patience is when you are BEYOND TIRED after not sleeping because the whole family had a stomach virus, and you were catching puke in your hands and shirt. But he’s okay now and you are feverish but he wants to read GOODNIGHT GORRILLA for the one billionth time. And you do, and you do all the voices because he wants the voices and can tell if you aren’t into it.

Patience is: Saying no for the billionth time when he tries to put his hands in the toilet, singing itsy bitsy and made up songs in the car so he won’t cry, carrying him in the Ergo on a walk while your back hurts and you shove the boob in his mouth so he calms down so you can try to suck it up and ENJOY the 30 mins of quiet and look at trees and the ocean and try to remember who you are for a minute.  It’s not having a third drink when you really want one, its wiping blue hands and faces, its giving your body and mind over to another. It’s knowing you would give your life for your child’s in a heartbeat, less than a heartbeat.  Patience is what a Mother is.  And I think a Dad too—but this one goes out to the Moms.

Patience is Love unconditionally.  And Love is watching the blueberry covered smile look up at me and say Mama, or give me a hug and a MWAH.  Watching him learn something every day, and just being amazed by it.  Holding a hand as you walk and realizing you feel light with Love. Having his giggle make me cry.   

Thanks for the Patience little man, and for the Love.

Safe travels little sister

By the time I post this my sister will be on her way in her Volkswagon making her decent from Friendship, ME to Portland, OR with many stops to see friends and places along the way.

I couldn’t be prouder and I couldn’t be more jealous.  I never did anything like this---after college and a few poorly timed relationships I finally met the love of my life and we made our own decent around the coast of Maine before settling into where we are now.  I always said I wanted to travel a bunch before I settled down but as is often the case it just didn’t happen.  I don’t have regrets, but I do have lust to do just as she is doing.  But life threw me other things. 

In the past few years the age gap between my sister and I and the life choices we have made seem gigantic.  I am the mother of a one year old boy, and a Stay at home mom who runs her own food wagon.  My sister got her masters in Social Work, made some kick ass friends in New Hampshire---and then decided she needed move.  I find myself full of animosity sometimes when I talk to her.  Her world is so different then mine…I always find myself rolling my eyes when she tells me she is so tired, or overworked, or stressed, or sad about a breakup, or doesn’t have money.  I find myself trying to defend my way of life to my 27 year old sister.  Which is really so silly.  We are so completely different although very much the same.

I will never be able to explain to her until she has her own (if she makes that choice) the way it feels to curl up so close to my baby boy as I try to get him to sleep.  How by holding his little hand and touching his head I feel complete.  How I never felt complete like this before.  How when he is sick, or sad It makes my heart hurt.  I will never be able to explain how I can simultaneously want to be around him all time time, but also crave my own time and space.  And the second I leave him I think about him.  How I never knew Love until I held his body in my arms the day he was born.  How I felt more whole as a woman when I pushed him out in my living room.  How I would give up my life in a second, for his.

She may never be able to explain to me how the wind feels as it hits her face as she makes her way across the borders.  How she feels free and satisfied and a bit scared.  How she appears brave and happy but sometimes feels lonely and sad.  But always excited.  She will never be able to explain to me the great food she eats across the way and the long lost friends she gets to hugs, and the strangers she will meet that can turn into life long friends.  She won’t be able to explain to me the adventure, and angst, and happiness, and every wonderful scary second of it. 

She won’t be able to explain it to me but I will try to feel all of it through her because is my sister.  And when she is driving me nutty texting to her new love interest, or best friend (who probably does understand her better than I do at the moment)…or she is typing in things like coffee shops in Portland, and dogs for adoption as I am busy researching baby stomach bugs, and posting pictures of his face all over facebook----I will remember that she is my baby sister.  That she has been my companion since she made her way into my life.  That I have watched her grow from this tiny tag along to this woman who makes people happy with her smile.  That as much as we are opposites we came from the same roots.

I will try to remind myself when I am feeling jealous and a bit annoyed that we have chosen different paths, and that is how it works.  That although we share a similar sense of humor, and basically a very similar set of morals that we don’t share all the same paths in life.  There will be days when I can barely manage to get a cup of coffee into me with a baby on my hip, and she is sipping coffee from some of the finest coffee shops in the world.  There will be days when she is walking around and missing this ocean, and my son and I will be staring out at it on one of our long walks.  There will be days when I miss her so intensely as my son does something amazing for the first time, or my Dad calls me with one of his crazy stories---something only I think she will appreciate.  I will miss her and I will wish her closer.  But I couldn’t be more proud, and I only wish that she thinks of us from time to time---her family over here on the East coast.  

On my birthday, a reflection

I wanted to write something about this year, because I think birthdays are a good time for reflection...I had this whole post down about how incredibly thankful I am and relating it to a hundred different things.  But then I was outside today with Alden after a particularly frustrating morning ....We are sitting in the green grass with Tess Dog beside us and  he sticks this whole clover flower in his mouth and at that instant this huge gust of wind came up and blew his crazy hair all over and threw the leaves of the trees back and forth.  He gets this look in his eyes this kid when he is trying to figure out something but amazed with it at the same time.  He concentrates so hard and can't stop staring...and then he looks at me for me to give him some sort of emotion back on how he should be feeling and I just smile, and he smiles and then looks back at the wind rustling the trees.  And my heart explodes and every single happy nerve cell in my body feels like that tree waving back and forth... all from this 19 lb being sitting on the grass in front of me.  That is my year right there.  There was all kinds of things that were hard, and so many that have been so great.  But Alden has helped to  remind me to chill out when I am frustrated and rediscover things I forgot about :  Wind, sand on feet, summers first berries, Pinwheels, happy dancing, how awesome his Dad is, how every human deserves a big smile, nature, how to be silly, and how to love rawly, truly, deeply without hesitation. 

I am 30 years old today, and I no longer  focus on how old I am but I just watch this boy growing every day and developing into this little creature with a huge attitude.  And I overflow with gratitude even on days when I want to pull my hair out because I am so overwhelmed.  World has been brighter for me since he arrived in the beginning of winter, and it truly has been the best 7.5 months of my life.